2:50 PM

Internets out & I'm in need of a new lip gloss. Also some blistex cause my lips have become really chapped the last few days. I really wish I could stop thinking about how things are going to turn out. It's constantly eating at me, making me agitated, mad, sad & just plain stressing me out. I won't know what his intentions are until he comes back out & then & only then will I know where to go from there. I'm tired of the what ifs going in my head & I'm sick of always thinking about it. I feel like I've been planning my life around a person who's doing nothing to make my life better. & it's gotta stop.

Taste Buds Maybe

I got a sandwich the other day when I was at the DVB but didn't get a chance to eat it until today. Anyway, it's ham & mozzarella & all I can say is, ham & mozzarella taste a hell of a lot better when I was younger. Vamps would probably say it's just my taste buds but sadly he's not here right now to do so. Blah. I've been in & out of depressed mood all day so far & I really wish it'd stop.

More Please

I feel like I should eat more cinnamon rolls but I feel like it'd be a little extreme. I was so use to only eating 2 that when I ate 3 it was like wow, you must be hungry, then just now I put away 4 & since I didn't think I was even going to finish those now that I'm thinking about getting 1 or 2 more then I would really feel pregnant even though for some reason my body refuses to look it. Idk. I'll probably get more, I know vamps would be happy. Maybe not at my choice of breakfast but definitely at the fact that I'm eating to be full. =]

New Years Eve

So I'm pretty sure today is going to be one of those days full of mini post so just consider this part 1.
I've been up since 8, woke up with all these ideas so after I came back from the bathroom it was impossible to sleep. I wrote them out, pretty much just talking on paper. Then I tried to see if I can get Microsoft Office, since I really need it but no luck yet =/. I made a mental list of two things I wanted to do today or felt that I should do today that I probably won't do. I went to the store after that & got all the stuff my mom wanted for today, I had to lug that damn carry cart slash bag thingee & it really sucked. It was my first time carrying it & the damn thing kept hitting me & it felt ultra heavy pulling on my arms. I come back here to find my father sitting on the chair as usual eating & watching tv. He had the nerve to say "Oh your mother sent you to the store" That question irritated the hell outta me cause my pregnant ass had to fight with numerous high shelves, lug the basket [that was actually heavy this time] since there was no vamps & go to two stores to find the damn cider. Just so my mom wouldn't have to. Which I was HAPPY to do. None of this was a big deal, I actually found it all kind of funny. IDK why but it pissed me off but it did. Maybe cause of the fact that I was tired & nobody out of the 5 people standing in the lobby would let me in. =/. Who knows. Anyway, I'ma go eat & I'll add more later.

Around 4PM

Feeling my baby kick should always be a happy thing but sometimes it makes me sort of sad. I just wish he could be there, I just wish he could pay for something. I wish he had something to more to offer. I always thought I'd be fine if it ever came down to me having to do everything but now that it's in there I would feel so much better if he could just contribute something. Anything. This baby's gonna be here soon & the closer it gets the more I don't see me having any assistance from vamps. I mean it use to me be a fantasy now it just seems nonexistent. I see me being really frustrated & a lot of fights, cause if he does get out & things are worse than before then IDK what's gonna happen. I know that after the baby & my birthday I'm going to be a little too busy to put up with the stuff I do now. The things going through my head right now are doing nothing but upsetting me so I'm just gonna stop.

Until Next Time

Ok so I got a week again. Next week is Vampys next court date. Until then I guess I'll making myself or trying to make myself, self-sufficient. Even though I doubt that I'll even be able to begin the self sufficiency process until after the new year, or probably even after my birthday so that was pretty much a lie lol but um it helps to think that I will be. I'll be doing the research & what not though. IDK.

Irony At It's Best Maybe

The one thing that our whole argument was based on has led to that one thing. Being alone on New Years. It's official, that I won't be bringing in the new year with vamps. I wasn't in court with him today cause apparently they called his case while I was still in the DVB answering there questions & trying to get a hold on things. I'm still lost on some of it but from what I get is that he's staying in jail until our case is closed &possibly after. Since he had a freakin felony charge on his record from years ago that he never went to court for I think, then he may be in there for a while. Idk what the hell is going to happen. I was pretty upset earlier but I don't want to get overly upset until I know what's going on for sure & since I wasn't there I'm going by what everyone else is saying & since NONE of those people know what he's gonna get if the prosecute him for those charges then I don't even know. All I know is what on of the people said, which was that it's an automatic three years. I really hope she's wrong but since it is pretty much a given that he is not coming back right now it's time for a serious plan B. Since all the other one were just sorta serious since I kinda felt me & him would somehow be able to do things together but now I'm being faced with the possibility that I'll be doing this alone. It's still a little bit of a make believe situation but it's a hell of a lot more real than it was just a week ago when all he was doing was going upstate for a few months to fix things. Now he's gone until who knows. Seriously if I would have known this I wouldn't have put up a fight when he was gonna join the military or I would have sent him upstate in the beginning of the month because one of the reasons I let him stay was cause he didn't wanna be there for the holiday & I didn't see why he should have too. Only he's spent not only Christmas but now he'll be spending New Years in jail. Lovely. Just fucking lovely.

In my head I keep saying "might" on a lot of things but if that charge is real then I know there for sure some type of jail time. So the he "might" miss his son/daughters birth. He "might" miss out on some of the first. He "might" be in there for longer than just a few weeks. I "might" have to do this on my own. We "might" be separated for a while. All the "mights" become "will".& it sucks. It sucks that we can't work on things. Or that it's gonna be REALLY hard to make it work, let alone better. It sucks that our kid will be affected by this. & what makes it all worse is that all of this isn't even cause of what he did to me. If he didn't have those previous charges on his record then he would be here right now. They would have let him go on that first day during arraignment. Ugh. I really hope what that lady said wasn't true. Maybe she read it wrong, or maybe that charge isn't what the warrant was for. Hey, I never actually thought of that. She said he was arrested twice maybe the felony one was resolved & this is for something else. Even though the other lady said it's automatic, so if he had it, unless it was his then he would have had to serve jail time. Which he said he didn't. Either I'm going to keep in mind that it's possible that it's not that bad.

I can only be optimistic right now. There really is no point in thinking about the bad stuff you already know is possible. In this point in time I have to think of the good possibilities. If I don't I'll probably lose it.

Umm

The three post following this one were written throughout the day but I didn't post them until just now.

Crap

There is no organization in my room or in my life. Everything around me is just utter chaos & I have no idea where to begin in order to get either one in order. Ugh. It's irritating.

Random

I just realized why I hate my life so much, it's not only cause it sucks but because I had a life at one point. & now its gone & I see no chance of me getting it back anytime soon.

Another Day of Wondering

All morning I've been thinking about the way things are, the way they should be & the way i NEED them to be. Vamps keep saying not to worry about his situation & I've been trying not to but how the hell can I not. As long as we're together in some type of form, his problems cause me problems & then in return cause me stress. He's in jail now, so where do we go from when he gets out. I finally called the cops on him, & I may even press charges but then what. I know I need to take my life in the right direction. Sometimes I feel like he should fix his life & I should fix mine & then we should just meet up again & try to make this work. I would have loved it if I could have just moved in with him, or at least a place to go & hang out with him. If he could have just fixed his situation or made up a good situation for us & the munchkin but since he didn't, since he still hasn't. IDK what to do. I need to find a way to be able to support myself & my munchkin so that after it's born I can buy all the stuff it needs.

School

I hate looking for colleges. It's just freakin annoying. I can't find one that's just right, I was looking for a school for next semester & for September. But nothing. The only school that has almost everything in damn near freakin Canada in Oneota. & then there's a few schools that have one of my majors but there's something wrong. Like it's not SUNY/CUNY, it's cost too much, it's too far so the question is housing. Westchester college is convenient at the moment cause it's close to the city but still sorta away, but I would have no housing so yea. & it says no closing date but is that really ever true. I don't know where I'm going =[

La Di Da

There is no way out of this house unless a miracle happens & I somehow I find a full time job in the next few weeks. I can't deal with the constant "Right time" theory my mom has. Everything comes at its own time, there's a right time for everything. To me my thing is that the right time is when the individual is ready & maybe that's just my own way of thinking or my "pre-parent" thinking but that's what I believe. I've said it before & I'll say it again, I don't wanna leave here on bad terms. I don't wish to have to go the run away route just to be on my own. I want to leave here when I have a job & am able to move into an actual apartment but just because I want all that doesn't mean I'm not willing to tough it out if I have to. Also, yes I'm aware that vamps situation sucks but I don't want to constantly be reminded that the situation only got worse. I mean he's abusive, temperamental, & so many other things. Including the fact that he's going on a year with this same unfixed situation, but I care for him & I love him & I'm hoping that together we can somehow make things work. Nothing is perfect. What we have right now isn't even near it, but for some reason I still think it's worth a try.

Bittersweet

Christmas was yesterday & I got an oh so amazing camera from my mom. I love, it's so cute & perfect & the clarity is wonderful. I also got a fragrance set from my sister, a pedegg from my mom & cute little doggie slippers from my dad. The reasons for why it was bitter are obvious so there's no need to go into details on that, since I pretty much already did in my previous post. Even though I had my moments when I just wanted to sit back and cry [& points where I gave in] yesterday was a good day. & what's even better is that munchkin woke up I think. Last night I started to worry because I hadn't felt him move since the day before but I think maybe he just didn't have any energy because I wasn't doing such a good job with eating the past two days but today I am going to make sure I get plenty of juice & water. & that I eat full meals. So far I've had french toast, milk & orange juice which I think was pretty good & last night I made sure I ate all my veggies lol. I want my munchkin to not only make it to the finish line but to come out strong [healthy].

*Sigh*

As if this wasn't bad enough, I spoke with vamps for the last time until this whole thing is over. This morning a lady called from the domestic bureau and apparently it doesn't matter if I wanted the order or not, until this case is closed contact with him is not a good idea. So fine. Hopefully Monday this will all end, it's only two days. I can handle two days. I just hate that I have to. In addition to that I have to go there early as hell on Monday. The lady said nine but she also said get there A.E.A.P [As Early As Possible] So hence why I want to be there when the doors open.

Part Two

So after 9 hours of waiting vamps was finally arraigned. Sad to say he has a freakin warrant on him so he can't get out until after the 29 which is when his court date is set to. I talk to him three times today which was good, I don't know if I'll be able to talk to him anymore though, maybe once more since I only have enough for one more collect call. If the call isn't collect then I can. Hopefully I can. I just wrote about how I felt like I was doing things wrong but at the same time in this moment, I willing to accept the fact that I'm young & love vamps. I may just be too naive still to see what everyone else sees, or maybe I'm right by following my heart. It may be a mistake but I won't know until it's over & done with. Anyways, he was assigned bail & like I said they kept him =[. He asked me to try & get a hold of his brother & that's pretty much his plan to see if he can be out before then but if not then Monday is the day.

End Of Christmas Eve 08

It is impossible to be fucking happy in this damn place. Tomorrow is Christmas & even though vamps is still going to be in jail for it I was happy that I got to talk to him & saw him but these people had to ruin it with there stupid comments. I can't stand it, they complain about me being secretive all the time but now they know something & they're being so fucking annoying. All I want is a hug so badly. & I can't even get that. I give up. You know what. Vamps may not be the right person for me, he may even be bad for me but he helps me out with things I need, & he means something to me & as crazy as that sounds & as crazy as this whole fucking situation is right now I really need him & the fact that I'm sitting here all alone with no one to hold me & tell me everything is going to be ok is driving me crazy. I feel like I'm wrong for wanting to be around him. for even still talking to him. Sometimes it just feels so right when I'm with him, & sadly no one will ever understand that. This is supposed to be where I show that I'm strong enough to deal with this but maybe by standing by him, it shows that I am weak. Or maybe this is just the way I am & this is the way I handle things. I keep thinking there's a right answer to this but maybe there isn't one.

Part One

Ok so apparently things did get worse. Apparently this all fucking sucks and there's no way to stop it. Even though the police officer yesterday told me that today a D.A would call & ask what I wanted to do. & after all these lovely dreams about how this was gonna end today, he told me this. He told me what he was going to do. Apparently I have to have a order against him as he does me. & I can't let anyone know whether I'm pressing charges until after he's been arraigned which will hopefully be sometime today. He said I can't dismiss the restraining order until later. The domestic bureau said Friday if he's arraigned today. He said it's up to the judge where he stays until Monday. Since tomorrow's Christmas & what not. Ugh. & Hopefully they don't hold him & they let him go until his next court date. That's my only wish for today. Lets see if it comes true, because none of my dreams from last night did. I'm about to get up & go down there, even though I can't do shit I just wanna be down there.

Hope

Vamps got arrested today. Why? Because I called the cops on him. Why? Because I was upset at the fact he had put his hands on me. I was freaking out at the fact that I couldn't stop bleeding. Things got really bad today, and this time I can't even say it wasn't partly my fault. I don't know why it's so hard for me to just express shit. This whole entire ordeal may probably could have been avoided if only I would had been able to let him in, or at least let my guard down long enough to tell him that I was prolonging it because I love him, that I do care. If I would have told him, there's just so much he doesn't know about me & since I can't tell him, he'll never know. One hopefully we get the chance the talk. I'm so fucking depressed right now, I'm scared that I'll never see him again. Even after everything that's happen tonight I know I still care for him. I know I still love him & if it was up to me I know what my choice would be when it came to us being together. I just need to make it through the, geez I hope that they can see him tomorrow so that he can be out, so we can talk. If he even wants to talk to me. I know this was the right thing to do but I also know that it didn't have to go this far. If we can make it through this then hopefully we can talk about making things better. I'm not saying that he doesn't need help because no matter which way you put it, he still needs help. & maybe I do to but since the cop at the precinct mentioned group counseling then hopefully we can get it together. I know I keep saying hopefully but that's all I have right now is hope. All I can do is hope that tomorrow brings good news. There's just so much that he does for me. That I do for him. That we do for each other. I just need my hope to stay alive & hope that his hope didn't die tonight.

Blah

Ok so I don't know what's making me think of this but I'm sitting here getting very upset thinking about vamps. I'm like on the verge of tears & I keep trying to tell myself not to think about it until the time comes. Vamps will be leaving after New Years & I don't know what I'm going to do after he's gone. I'm trying my hardest not to think about it cause it only makes me cry but at times when I'm just doing everyday things I think about how different it's going to be without him & how much I'm going to miss him. I don't know how not to think about it, especially when it feels like we're running out of time. Like I've said a million times before I know this is the right thing to do & that it's for the best but still I am not looking forward to that day. For me this is one of the many signs of growing up, I just hope I can handle it.

Hi =]

Either I'm crazy or tylenol is a dream. I don't know how long before it happen but after having a pounding headache since before I woke up, half way through my sandwich my headache had noticeably subsided. Ugh it's wonderful =].

In other news today is the last day of school & I will not be there. Why? Because I find it useless to take a final that won't count for anything. Now I know some people may be thinking that I should just go, just in case some miraculous thing happens in the financial aid office & I no longer have the freaking pill. Well I don't care...I've made my decision & I've accepted the fact that this whole ordeal has set me back half a year. I'm walking away with nothing, & on what would have been final day, I will be looking for a new school. Two to be exact, one for now, & one for after the baby is here. I'm going to be going to most likely a CUNY school until June just to take my liberals & then transfer to a school that has my majors, which as of now is computer graphics & early childhood development, even though the second one may change. I'm out of things to say so I guess I'll stop there.

Is It Possible

I think I'm done. I think I really am done because I can't take this anymore. I'm not mad, I'm not upset I'm just sick of neglecting my needs. Or better yet having my needs neglected. I don't see a change happening & I don't want to watch the way things are being done anymore. If you want to live your life this way then fine but you won't be living it with me. I feel like there is no point in looking at what he can do to make it up or fix it. RIght now it's like the best thing to do is just move on & forget about all the pain he's caused me.

Finally

Ok so I made chocolate chip pancakes just now & after 2 1/2 batches they finally look somewhat normal =]. Happy dance. *woot woot* lol. Um yea I'm gonna go try them now so I'll be sure to post after I eat.

Um the damn thing wouldn't post & since I already ate I guess I'll just update now. I ate one of them & I'm really proud to say that they actually taste good lol. Made me nauseous as fuck but um yea at least I know I'm capable of making them.

Confused

I'm trying to figure out how someone can be so nice & so mean. So right yet so wrong all at the same time. I just can't figure it out...you do so many nice things...the little things that some people never get to experience. But the mean things you do...the things you do wrong are so much bigger than the small nice things. One day when you can do the big nice things I'm wondering if the big bad things are going to get bigger or will they just be on the same level to the point that they cancel each other out. I don't know what our future is anymore...sometimes I don't even know if we have one anymore. I'm in a somewhat neutral state of mind when it comes to us. So now I guess I'm just waiting to see what happens next.

I Wrote This Yesterday

I think of how I got my first tattoo, it was on the spot, no second guessing it. I remember how when my b.f at the time found out about it he was mad as hell but it didn't even matter because the tattoo was something I always wanted. I didn't think how everyone else would feel, or think of it or me because it didn't matter. I want to get back to that. I want to stop second guessing my needs & desires. I want to stop putting myself last & take a step forward. I need to make it known to myself & anyone else who's listening that I deserve to be happy. I gotta get back to who I use to be and then grow from there.

...Anyone can survive, but you don't have to be so damn sad doing it...
Yes it's from a movie so it may seem cheesy but it doesn't matter cause it means something to me =]

Bad Thoughts

I lost my virginity [hymen] in one of the worst ways possible. Looking back on it & thinking of vamps I really wish I could have had that experience with someone I cared about & loved. Or at least even liked. I hate that the thought of something that should have been special makes me cry. We always joke & say that vamps was my first & at time I really wish he was, sometimes I even like to pretend that before him there was none. It's all so sad, it's not even one of those moments that I can site back & say "Don't be upset because at the time it's what you wanted" I didn't want it, hell I didn't even think I wanted it. The only experience I can blame myself for is drinking with a stranger. I have to give myself some blame, it would only be right. I wish my past could have been different but I just have to keep reminding myself not to think about it. Even though I am still looking for the one thing that seems to be the cause of my problems, I just have to keep myself moving forward. No matter how much I wish I could change. No matter how sad I am.

In Other News

I turn 17 weeks on Tuesday and I finally get to hear my munchkins heartbeat on Wednesday. =D...I can't create a smile big enough on the internet for that but lets just pretend that D is a pretty big smile. lol.

Conflabit

I want a job before Christmas dammit. I just don't understand why everywhere I go they're saying I need to be 18. For christ sakes I've graduated highschool, I'm in college & I'm damn sure more efficient then half the freaking people they have working for them so why the hell is it my age that you are going by. I want a fucking job....I can do the damn job....shouldn't that be enough. I can't sit through another call back where we go through the whole conversation all fucking hunky dory just to get to the part where they go "oh are you at least 18 years old?" *pause* "Um no" And then the guy on the other end goes "Oh ok well I'm sorry we only hire 18 and up but feel fucking free to apply again when you turn 18" Mind you he doesn't curse but he does say that line with a little too much joy for my liking. * sigh* People are too much these days with their little name tag & their little title. Does that title make you feel special buddy..huh?? oh I bet it does...I bet you just love turning away all the little teenagers...SMH. I am not giving up yet though...I am going to get me a freakin job even if I have to hold the freakin manager hostage...Ok not really but you know what I mean =]

Once Again

Why are turkey sandwiches so damn yummy =]. Yes I'm back on sandwiches but not just any old sandwich. Turkey sandwiches, since I entered my second trimester I have accepted mayonnaise back into my life, but only in moderation. I don't know why but that first bite tasted unbelievably good. I think I'm going to go make another one. Especially since there's only like four pieces of bread here & I learned my lesson last time, to never plan for a meal you really want cause chances are someone else is going to come along & eat all the food you needed. lol.

....

I need a nap but I have to go downstairs & do my freaking laundry before going to this blasted baby shower. I went driving this morning & parked for the first time. Ha ha. I can actually park & I'm not just saying that because I can. I'm saying it because my teacher told me so lol. I'm supposed to be downstairs at this moment half thru the rinse cycle or something not laying here without so much as a sock in the laundry bag. *sigh* I just feel so comfortable that I don't wanna move =[

Hate & Depression

You would think that someone who has so much fucking sympathy for everybody else would never want to see the one you love hurt. You do all the things to me that you sympathize to someone else over. & if that makes no sense then let me make it clearer. You feel sympathy for a girl who's in an abusive relationship, yet you put me in one. You feel bad for people who hate their lives so much that they just wish it would end but you make me do nothing to make my life better. I can't believe you would claim to love me. I've finally accepted my decision & even though we've made plans I don't know if I wanna go back. To make me change my mind now, you would really have to show me something.

SHIT SHIT

The one night that a good freaking movie finally comes on I'm not gonna be able to see =[. Saturday night at nine this movie comes on lifetime & instead laying in my bed & watching it, I'm going to be just leaving a freaking baby shower. Who has a baby shower at night anyway. Ugh. I'm hoping that since it's a premiere movie it'll come on again on sunday or something because I really wanna see this thing.

Got Milk?

Well, I don't =[. Shit I was about to eat some oreos with a nice cold glass of milk only to enter the fridge & pull out a damn near empty container. =/ I was disappointed...seriously man. lol.

Just Sharing

I am stuffing my munchkin full of all the stuff that's good for him =]. lol. I've got starch & protein & dairy & uh w.e you get out of green veggies that what we're getting. This is like the first full, well rounded meal I've had in a while, which is really bad I know. I actually had a full plate of food which is funny cause now I'm sitting here like "Am I really going to eat all of this?" & if I do then damn lol my oh my how things have changed. Other than that I think I have an appointment with the nutritionist tomorrow but I'm just going to reschedule I guess.

Happy Halloween

Soooo today pretty much sucked. All me & vamps have done is fight...& it sucks balls dammit. I can't even think of a way to make things better. Shit I don't even know if I should try to. Ugh today has just been wrong from the start...*sigh* I'm about to go for a walk I think.

OMGosh

I just had to pee in a freaking cup [styrofoam] because my sister was in the shower & I just couldn't hold it. I feel like she is ALWAYS in the freaking bathroom, its like never ending. Blah...I'm beginning to think my mom was right about getting a damn bucket. =[ Anyways I'm gonna go shove my face.

Be Careful What You... ehh You Know The Rest =]

I was just sitting here thinking about dying my hair this week & realized that if I did I would have to dye it constantly just to keep it black. & what I found funny was that when I was younger & my hair was jet black I use to look at people with brown hair & be like aw I wish my hair was lighter & what not but now that my hair has for some strange reason turned brown I just want it to be jet black again. The brown just seems so summery and it's freakin fall. I hate that I have to dye my hair at all but I hate it even more that I have to do it just to be freaking black of all colors. geez. I guess this is one of those be careful what you wish for moments.

Plain Turkey

I don't understand why plain turkey taste so damn salty. I'm eating this bagel/sandwich & it taste salty & chalky. I feel like I was better off just eating it with plain cheese. I also don't know why someone would actually buy plain turkey because the last time I checked everyone in this house eats honey roasted turkey. But anywho...I'm gonna eat this thing minus the turkey & call it a day.

Boredom is a Bitch

I have this sudden urge to just get under peoples skin tonight. So far I've had one taker...happened by accident actually he actually messaged me with a retarded as statement & from there I just had a blast in taunting & teasing him. Only problem is now that he's "mad" he sucks at insults or any type of comeback it's like fighting with a little kid. It's funny as hell though so I guess it serves the purpose but I just wish I had more people to fight with. Yes I know I could be doing something much more productive but right now all I wanna do is make people annoyed, pissed, irritated...shit I don't care as long as it's amusing to me.

Uhh

I don't know what I just made but in my head this meal tasted really good, & hopefully it does now because all it is, is pasta & beef. I wanted it to have parmesan cheese but my dad left it in the cabinet so it's like wtf. Idk. Anyways that was all.

My organs are shifting! My organs are shifting!

Lol...um well I'm not crazy...I just read this thing that said in the second trimester your organs begin to shift so that your body can make room for the uterus. =]. I just keep seeing all of my organs just wiggling around to make room for this big blob like thingee. [uterus not baby] & its like funny in my head. IDk. It's hard to explain, you really just have to be in my head to understand which is like a lot of things when it comes to me. =/ Anywho I just made another ham & cheese bagel & on my way out of the kitchen I said goodnight out loud but he didn't respond so IDK.

Eh Awkward?

Ok so as I've said before me, my dad & my sister have recently gone on this silence spell. My dad has introduced mini conversation points like good morning, & I've allowed...hi's & byes. Small talk even when I'm in a good mood but since he has yet to mention the incident & probably never will I've pretty much just said screw it. We can be civil & say what needs to be said but I'm keeping my distance. Anyways tonight I was in the kitchen & my mom said goodnight to me when I was about to walk out the room & I didn't say anything to him because he didn't say anything to me but to me it was strange that no one said anything. Maybe I'm the only one that felt strange but who knows. To me this whole thing is just weird but at the same time I said I refuse to be the one to fix this situation & I'm sticking to my guns.

Milkshake Please

I want a milkshake dammit. Like I really really do. I'm thinking about going to juniors tomorrow to get the one but as for tonight I just might ask vampy to get me some ice cream or check the people on the corner to see if they make milkshakes. =/ I don't know if I'll be able to sleep without one =[ lol just kidding but I would love one right about now.

Spoke Too Soon

I feel like I keep setting myself of for a fucking fall. I'm not gonna go into detail cause I gotta get back to my studying so I'll just sum it up to this. Today I did something that I thought would be good but I guess I just should've stuck to the plan cause right now I'm sitting here feeling sad, annoyed & disappointed all in one. I really feel like he's just not that into fixing this shit the cause as always everything I say as a follow to it, a question diverting the positive, or a reason as to why it can't happen. It's like maybe in his mind there's something going on in there that I just can't see but from what I do see...there's a lot of apprehension where you really wouldn't expect to find it. Not now, not in this situation. *sigh* I'm not gonna kill my day with this, so after I type this I'm letting it go. I just know better for the future.

Holy Fishcakes

I can't believe they actually got the heat on. Cause I'm sitting here trying to figure out why it's so stuffy & why the hell I'm so hot so I go over to the heater and was shocked to feel actual heat coming out. Not like that thing they do where the heater is on but you have to like put your face to it, to actually feel it. This time I just place my hand in the area & could feel the actual heat coming out it. I actually have my fan on right now, it's just that warm in here. SMH. Lets see if this whole real heat thing last throughout the winter.

Wow

I thought it was a glitch or something but nope, I really have 130 something post...

Good Day

Ok so pretty much all of this weekend & up until yesterday I had been feeling utterly hopeless in our situation. I wanted space, I felt like I needed to get away. I felt like things would never get better & that I would always just be unhappy, but for the first time in a while I feel genuinely at ease. It's weird. Like I'm not saying that I don't still see the things we need to work on or that I'm not upset about the scrapes on my face but for some reason I got this feeling that I can't explain. It's like I don't feel completely hopeless at this moment. Like I had practically a great day today. Vamps & I finally got our official ultrasound where we got to actually see the baby not just look to check for an heartbeat. It was so cute he was in there twisting & turning & flipping around. It even looked like he waved at one point=]. Then after that we went to babiesrus & did our registry. Even though we had tiny disagreements and sad & depression moments, walking around and scanning all that stuff made it feel really family like. I was happy that I was able to share both of those experiences with vamps and at one point in there all I saw was us setting up all the crap we needed in a room in our place. His dreams being a reality and everything being semi fine. Thinking about it now it makes me nervous for some reason....I think maybe because I don't wanna get my hopes up but basically yesterday we kinda just agreed that we're going to take it one day at time. At the same time we're focusing on the big goal & I'm going to try and help him in some way shape in form. I sorta just rambled off away from the topic but um yea lol uh the ultrasound was just the best...we got four pictures & it's funny cause like if you look at them in order he's like doing a flip...which is even funnier cause we both was like the whole time it looked like he was trying to do a back flip lol he was just moving around so much. Even though today was suppose to be my space day, I ended up hanging out with vamps until about 8 something and then finally going home to do my assignment [the same one I practically fought for yesterday and still didn't finish] && studying for my test, which I'll probably end up doing in the morning since I doubt I'll have time to tonight. Then later I'm going to go check out our registry online [since vamps got a little gun happy] & see what we have, what we need, & what else I can add. Eh just for the fun of it. =].

Another Food Blog

So I made a bagel right but after taking my medicine and drinking two cups of milk I think, my stomach started to feel weird which sucks because I really thought that I wanted that bagel. I hope I can eat it cause if not that would be a waste of the last bagel here in the house at the moment.

P.S Booo now I have hard ham =[ Since I had to let it sit while my tummy felt better && it was a microwaved sandwich, the meat got all blah. It's still good though lol.

Food Challenge

I love when I'm watching those little cake challenges on foodnetwork && the people they have really suck. It's like if these were the best cake decorators you could find you seriously should've looked harder.

Grrr

Starting the day off irritated is never a good day but on some days it just seem inevitable. I'm pissed off right because of IDK why && it's annoying the hell out of me to have to deal with people who are not helping the situation at all. I feel like going back to bed and just starting all over again which I just might do. *sigh*

La Di Do Da Day

My WTF [term me && vamps use sometimes to refer to each other since we don't know WTF we are to each other right now] has abandoned me. I forgot where I was going with that but yea. He's at work or whatever and I'm here mad about the fact that I shall get no damn cinnamon rolls. =[

I Need A Solution

I haven't had sex in a week && of course by now I miss it but for some reason I just can't bring myself to do it. Maybe because me && vamps had two big fights, one on Friday && the other on Tuesday. They were really bad, && really close together. I think I'm having a hard time jumping into anything sexual since we're like in limbo in terms of what we are. Cause like I'll get into the mood for it but can't bring myself to go all the way. I guess in a way I feel like I shouldn't be doing much of anything with someone who hurt me the way he did. IDK what it is...maybe I'm trying to really focus on building a foundation that can actually last && afraid that if I go straight to sex then we'll end up in the same predicament as always. The one where we go from whatever to acting like we're a couple without actually being a couple, && since we really broke up this time I don't wanna fall back into that pattern. I don't wanna mess up this whole process of making things better. Blah I need to find some type of middle ground or something && soon.

Eating Well?

I feel like my eating habits have gone from bad to good to blah. When I first found out I was pregnant vamps had been sorta like my little health guru making sure I ate REAL meals, followed the food pyramid, cut down on snacks && IDK somehow I think I've slipped from that pattern. At first I was really, really paranoid with what I ate && did but now there are days where I feel like I'm eating the way I was pre-preggo. Which wasn't really eating, it was more of a snacking thing, like today for instance I've had three bowls of cereal, candy bar, and dried cereal. In a few I'm going to get some pizza on my way into the city && as for dinner IDK what I'm having. Sounds bad but like I said it's only some days cause yesterday I had waffles for breakfast, a slice of pizza, turkey sandwich && for dinner frozen pizza which still isn't good but at least I ate actual food when I was hungry. I think since I got over the paranoia of what I ate I became more lax in the situation but hopefully I can think of things to eat when I'm out thats well balance to a certain point.

Surprise

Ok so for those who don't know I had been using my sisters shuffle, that I got fixed for the past month I think until yesterday when me && her got into a retarded ass fight over the damn thing for the third time. Anyways that ended badly && left me without an mp3 player. That was until today. What happen today you might ask. Well today vamps gave me an ipod. =]. A better one than the one my sister had && it truly made my day. I feel a little bad though because it was supposed to be his but at the same time really happy that he thought about me && really did that. I'm also not use to this feeling...having somebody do a thing like this for me. It feels weird && nice all at the same time, but hopefully I can get use to this && enjoy it. On a side note though, it also works out because since my mom doesn't have to replace the shuffle she can get me a fall coat instead. That may sound a little selfish but I didn't mean for it to. Anyways thanks to vamps, I can once again block the people that get on my nerves on a daily basis. Yay! =]

Mindless Babbles

I've lost vamps...no idea where he went but I'm getting hungry && would kill for something sweet. I've got class in 2 hours && I still have to finish my homework or rather just re write the damn thing...no idea why it's taking me so long to do that. La di do da damn, yea as you can tell I'm starting to get bored && just a little tired. Add that to the minor heartburn I'm feeling && you've got yourself a rocking party...IDK. I had pizza earlier but didn't drink anything with it && when I went to school the soda machine only had cokes && I think diet sprite but all I really saw was coke. Not that it mattered since I didn't have any singles for the blasted thing. I think I wanna make chocolate cupcakes or something like that since we have cake batter in the house all I need is the frosting. No idea how to end this post since it really wasn't about anything so I guess I'll just stop talking [typing].

Well

I just felt like mentioning that I'm going to call Macys tomorrow to ask them if it makes any difference that I'm not in highschool anymore. Just so that I know I did everything in my power to see to it that I got that job, && if I still don't get it then I'll be able to curse them for being so stuck on only legal people.

OMG

This thing really just doesn't want to work right today....geez

It Never Ends

Ugh I hate my freakin age I just got a call from santa land the job I didn't think I could get... the job I was [&& still am] in love with but since I'm not 18 I can't work there. It makes no sense. This isn't rocket science && now the damn internet is messing up again. This is so freakin annoying. Now not only is the internet being mean to me but i am trying desperately to block out my sisters voice, hell I'm trying to imagine she isn't even here at the moment but like my father she is so loud in everything she does it's semi impossible at times. Grrr damn internet, come on I need the internet right now, I really do. Blah. Seven months && thirteen days. Just felt like writing that, it makes no difference since I would like to make the big changes happen before that but that is also around the amount of time before I can have a drink again. A little over 6 months unless munchkin decides to be late which I doubt. Anyways as you can tell I'm just rambling because I have nothing better to do while I wait for the internet to work. I really can't take much more of this...I'm really about to loose it.

!!!

Argh...I've been up for an hour trying to get on this con-blasted internet && it just refuses to freaking connect to the one that i need. I woke up at 5:30 literally screaming && clutching my tootsie roll pillow because of some retarded dream && just now this phone just went off because of an alarm && it damn near made me wet my panties. =[. I'm hungry btw, don't know if I should eat before falling asleep again or if I should let it be. I'll probably just get something to snack on so at least I don't wake up in a hungered fit. *sigh* I want something along the lines of hot chocolate since it's getting cold in here && since I didn't get it earlier because my peaceful day was interrupted by that incessant man I call a father && nimrod of sister. Put them two together && you've got one hell of an act. Anyways I'm gonna go get something to eat && then I'll probably take a nap && try to post this online when I wake up. Hopefully by then the internet is working.

Money is Money

If I work 40 hours a week at minimum wage ($7.15) flippin freakin burgers so to speak...I'll barely be able to pay my rent let alone utilities && then one day baby cost. I applied for a job at macys that pays 16.25 an hour but it's only seasonal so maybe three months doing that if i was actually lucky enough to get the job. If I saved the amount I made I'd probably be able to live for what three, four months tops. Maybe more, maybe less depending on the rent && deposit required. I know that when I transfer schools in January I'll be getting some extra money but that's then...I need money now. Blah...I can't believe I'm actually considering fast food.

Everything Seems A Little Clearer

I keep replaying everything that happen yesterday from the minute I woke up to the minute I got on the train at Brighton Beach.I keep looking at all the things that were different about yesterday, and all the ways our fights could've been avoided. I keep thinking if I had done this or hadn't gotten made at that, if he hadn't said this or went && did that then maybe yesterday could've moved along smoothly. That's my reasoning at the moment but I know while yesterday could've been fine the overall outcome of yesterday would have still happened. It just would have been on a different day, at a different time, in a different place, because of a different fight. He broke my chains, all three of them. My gold one, the dogtag I gave him, && even the cross he gave me that I actually sat there and fixed the first time he broke it && what makes that one worse it that some random dude walking down the street picked it up && took it. Sucks to know that I'll never see it or wear it again cause I actually really liked it. && I like the memory of the day I got it, there was nothing special about the day but still it was something about it that I just didn't want to forget but now the memory of how I got it will always be accompanied by the memory of how I lost it. Yesterday was definitely one of those days that usually I'd be wishing to erase but I guess I finally realized that every time I or we "erased" an incident or acted like what happen wasn't that big of deal, it wasn't fixing anything. We were just prolonging the inevitable. It's possible that we're just to different to be compatible or maybe, as crazy as it sounds, we could actually be right for each other. But that could also mean we only make sense together when we're friends. Before this happened yesterday we had been trying to work on the friendship we once had && I think the time apart will even give us a better shot at that. Whether we plan on working as friends or working on the relationship we once had or just working together as civilized parents, the time will in my opinion help. It'll give us both a chance to sit back and think about what we really want, && what we really deem possible. Like really sit back && think about everything, from a personal point of view, to a combined point of view, && even the other persons point of view. Don't get me wrong I'm still upset && it still hurts when I think about everything that happened but I guess that's what brought about this semi clearer mind. I'm sick of being hurt && I'm tired of crying all the time over stuff that could've been prevented. So I'm going to take my own advice for once && separate myself from the thing that's causing me pain.

Looking Back

So I was just reading my journal, you know the one that's in an actual book && um I was reading some of the entries. So what I found out is that all of the signs were there. In one entry I wrote :: I find myself constantly wishing that instead of moving on we could find a way to go back before we started to crack, or I could find a way to either put the pieces back together, or let go before we shatter completely. That was on the 22nd of August && like I said in my previous post since I don't know if this is the end I'm hoping this is the part where we let go before we completely shatter. Hopefully we haven't already lost it all.

IDK

He thinks I have this freakin dream of just like raising our kid all by myself but he doesn't know how much i just wish we could just be together, be happy again. How much I wish we could be a family or something. Just somehow make it better. I'm crying right now but it's not cause I feel like I lost him. It's cause I really hate that things turned out this way. I mean it's like we both agree it's for a reason but at the same time I hate that there's a reason at all. In a way I feel like I've lost my best friend && it just hurts. I wish we could just go back to April. I wish we could somehow go back && make time stand still. I also wish I knew how things were supposed to turn && if this is really the end of what we had. I wish I had the answers to all the questions in my mind && most of all I wish I could have just one more carefree night in his arms.

Blah

Everything this morning that I have decided I want to eat had decided to make me nauseous. I wanted to eat vampys lasagna keish (yes vamps that's what I'm calling it) but after getting the top off I just couldn't do it. Then I figured I just get cold cereal, like seriously what could go wrong with that? Apparently a lot since the minute i set the milk on the counter the idea of cereal made my stomach turn. Even now as I sit here eating a freakin special k bar just to have something in my stomach I am literally having to hold my breath && ignore the taste just to get down all of maybe five bites of the thing. So far I've had three && I'm ready to stop. I'm just going to drink some milk, lay down && try again later. New plan. I made muffins so I'm going to try & eat one then I'm going to lay down && wait for later so I can eat something more.

Random

I must admit I find people mildly retarded. Why? Because someone actually left a nice sized puddle of water in the freakin microwave plate so that when I went to put my sandwich in it got wet =[ && nobody likes a soggy sandwich. Well hopefully nobody does. =/ Since I'm on the subject of sandwiches...vampy brought me sandwich with turkey && some spicey cheese that I forgot the name of but it was really good. I kinda wish I had more but I don't cause together we ate it all, so I guess the turkey & swiss I got next to me will just have to do the job. Oh && last but not least, you know those wontons I've been fienin for? Well I got them today && about two seconds after I shoved it in my mouth I wanted them as far away from me as possible. =[ SMH. Anyways that's all I really had to say so um I'm gonna go eat my food && then go to bed. Night.

Listeria

Ok so for some reason I've recently become addicted to sandwiches. Mainly because they're extremely convenient && well tasty. The only problem is, is that right now I'm not supposed to have mayonnaise && I'm not supposed to have deli meat unless it's heated to steaming because it has a bacteria on it called Listeria that could be harmful to me & possibly the baby. Just today I've decided not to have ANY mayonnaise on my sandwiches, but for some reason unless I'm having a hot sandwich from the oven I never remember to heat the meat. So um not only am I a little freaked but I am also disappointed in myself because I keep forgetting. Anyways half way through the sandwich I just made I remembered && then went to heat in the microwave so it's still quick && easy && doesn't require any time. That should make this whole meat thing a whole lot easier.

Note To Self

Stop acting like he's dead!! Yea I said it && what. STFU already geez. All day you've been all mopy & what not & for what. Yes this is a sad time but you're acting like you're never going to see him again when you know that's not the case. He said it him self, you can see him when you need to, hell you could've written him an email today if you wanted to, you just chose not to. && last but not least you're gonna see him next wednesday unless he decides he doesn't want to come to the dr appointments anymore but IDK why he wouldn't especially this one. Eh anyways do yourself a favor and take a deep breathe. Like I said it's ok to be upset but stop acting like he's dead or he up && ran away or something cause it's driving me crazy.

Sleep Tight?

I'm sleeping in his clothes tonight. Why? The reason is top secret && doesn't need to be known by anyone other than me =] Just kidding. It makes me feel like he's still apart of me, like I haven't completely lost him. Yea it makes me a little sad to know I just put on his boxers but I haven't seen or spoke to him all day. * A first btw since the day we started going out* It even makes me almost cry knowing that I'm wearing them just to feel close to him. Wrapped in his shirt I feel like I'll sleep a little better than I would wearing my own clothes.

Side Note

I hate eating ice cream when I'm depressed. Makes me feel like a fatass who's trying to drown their sorrow in food. =/ Which sucks cause I have cookie dough ice cream in the fridge since Thursday that I never ate && now I feel like I can't =[

Depressed

I can't believe how upset I am, I just can't stop crying3 no matter how much I tell myself that I did the right thing. I can't make sense of the situation to save my life. I just can't handle this, it's just so unfair.

Sometimes

I feel like mistakes are a figment of the imagination. That they just don't exist. No matter how much I wanna look back and feel bad about some of the decision I made && say that one was a mistake, I just can't. Or better yet it makes no sense to. Why? Because when I made the decision to do it or go along with someone else it's what I chose to do. I had to have wanted to do it to some extent for whatever reason or I would have walked away. I'm well aware of the issue I have when it comes to control && pleasing people so if I was to say anything is a mistake it would be the fact that I'm not stronger. Mentally speaking, I sometime lack the ability to live with the fact that I'm letting people I care about down.

Blah

I feel like I should've gone outside tonight. LIke right now I feel like hopping on the train and just going for a long ass ride. Shit, I might just go upstate tomorrow for the ride...&& the wontons =]. I wish I could get my nails done but I don't think the fumes are safe right now && I don't have enough money to do retail therapy. Getting my hair done would be great for me right now but since I have braids it sorta out of the question right now. I would love, love, love to go out && drink right about now but that's not even close to being an option right now. Maybe a nice hot bath or something like that.

I Want More Naruto

I just finished reading the final available chapter of Naruto Shippuden=[ Yes, I'm actually disappointed because it was getting really good dammit. I, once again, have turned into a crazed Naruto fan waiting for the next chapter to come out. Blah. Now I actually may read the beginning ones or watch the Shippuden episodes. IDK.

Choices

Choices you make in life are just that choices. There's really no way of knowing if they were right unless you can somehow go back and choose the other path && still I sometimes wonder if my were even half right. I think it's my conviction that everyone has some good in them and that no one ever means to really hurt people that keeps me falling. I feel like I'm that little girl again that just wants everyone to be happy && just realized that she can't do it. Anyways the choices I've made have been random && maybe downright stupid but at this moment, I once again have the chance to made my mistake history look a little better. I just don't know if I can actually do it.

Ugh

I don't know why but I couldn't hate him fully. Like I know I'm mad at him, and I know he knows that he fucked up big time but tonight in the middle of all that I couldn't turn off that little switch that cares about his well being. I don't know what that means but I do know that my insides are a complete mix of feelings && thoughts just intertwining into one big mess of crap.

Maybe

So I'm sitting here alone on a Friday night. Why? Mainly because I decided to make dinner && do laundry but also because somewhere in there me && vamps got into what you could call a fight but I'm just gonna call it a crack in the bridge. Tonight wasn't the first time vamps temper had ever gotten outta hand but it was one of the worse. Resulting in my dad coming out && eventually talking to vamps, of course he only knows half of the story but yea. Today is a day that I wish I could just re do but then again maybe it was just for the best, maybe this was meant to happen. Maybe whatever happens next just needs to happen. Then again maybe this all could've been prevented, nobody knows which one should've happen, all we know is what did happen && all thats left now is to see what happens next.

Stop It Already!!

A couple living together = Shacking Up
A couple spending time together = Moving to Fast
A couple about to have a baby = Marriage

This is what I hear when I'm talking to my mom. She's talking about marriage even though before to her me && vamps were moving too fast. She's telling me to get a place with him even though before she didn't approve of two people living together. Yes I'm very aware that when a couple either makes the choice to have a baby or ends up in the situation things are automatically going to change but at the same time since when does me having a baby mean I have to tie the knot a re write my life. I'm only 17 I don't want a baby to be the reason me && vamps marry. I don't care what anybody says when I get married I want it to be my choice. I want to do it when I want && with whom I want. It shouldn't be decided by anybody or anything. My mom only sees one thing she doesn't see the current situation that our relationship is in. We are in no way shape or form ready to get married && I don't know if I want to rush into permanent living with vamps. Even though we both wanted it at one time. Right now is not the damn time for any of that shit as far as I'm concerned. Maybe I'm wrong but right now I feel like this is the right way to do things.

Soo...

On Friday I have my first official ultrasound, since the last one occurred in the E.R so they couldn't really tell me anything about the baby other than that it was alive. Friday I'm supposed to get the heart rate && see if it's growing right && all that good stuff. I also figured that Friday would be a great day to break the news to my mom that there may be a new addition to our family. I figured that Friday after I see that everything is ok I'd tell her. I already told her that I needed to talk to her on Friday now I just have to make it through all my classes tomorrow && the appointment on Friday && somehow find a way to get these magic words to come out. I'm not gonna lie...I'm a tid bit nervous. =/

I Don't Know Anymore

I miss the days when all we did was laugh. I miss the days when the site of you made my heart skip a beat. I miss when just the thought of you smile. I wanna go back to the days before you caused me so much pain. I wanna go back to when I felt as if I was your world. I miss the time when I ran away with you. I miss the days when there was no reason to find something to do. I miss the you that was my escape from reality. I miss the way your kisses made me feel light. I miss your hugs. I miss you holding me while I sleep. I miss the way we use to play around. I miss our late night talks. I miss watching you without you knowing. I miss feeling protected. I miss my sense of security. I miss feeling loved. I miss being happy.

I Want Food

I had oatmeal for breakfast and cereal for lunch but I haven't really had a meal yet. I've been thinking about grits for most of the day and I was finally about to get them when I found out there's only one piece of cheese since my dad bought the wrong kind. *sigh* It's a good thing I'm too hungry to care.

I

I just want everything to be right.
Better than what we were.
Better than before.
I want to see our change.
I just want to stop the pain.
I just want to feel whole again.
Secure again.
Like nothing can break my happiness.
I just want to feel certain.
I just want to feel loved.
I just wanna feel you care.
I need to know you won't lie to me.
I have to know I can trust you.
I need to know you'll never cause me harm.
I just want to be in your arms.
I just want to make it by each day.
I just want to be ok.


Random
©2008

Translation Please

Trying to decode vampy is by far one of the hardest things ever. I swear never have I met someone so simple that was so complicated. Dude's a walking oxymoron. He keeps saying that he's simple to please && at time he is but sometimes he goes into this weird mode where not only is it impossible to get through to him but impossible to please him. I'll literally go through the conversation 4 or 5 times trying to get a positive outcome but its like very rare that it'll happen if he's like that. Its funny though cause when we have conversations like that it's either after an argument or borderline. Meaning that if I don't proceed with caution I'm gonna be standing there with allen wishing I was somewhere else. I think I'm gonna call that his mine field. Simple concept. Extremly difficult to get through but still possible if careful.

Damn You Batman To Hell

I wish vampy was in my bed right now && yes this time I mean that in a naughty way. I want him here now dammit. I can't even get online to see if he's on messenger. Hell I can't even post this cause my internet just died. SMH. I've been on the damn thing all night but as soon as I wanna try && contact vamps it dies down. You know what I have to say to that? Blah. Just freakin Blah.

It's Raining, It's Pouring

All I need is an old fat ass snoring && I'd be good. I'm actually sitting in the lunchroom watching it rain then pour then drizzle && then repeat. It's quite entertaining I must say. Cool I just saw lightening =].

Day 2

Thinking about going to my school today to hand in my financial aid. Don't really wanna go at this alone but hey what choice do I have. It gives me something to do at least. My original thought was to just stay home && rest but I forgot my mom took of two days from work && that my grams is here. I walked in last nite after seeing vamps && everything was fine but when I saw here it reminded me why I was mad in the first place. I feel like the worse person ever cause I'm considering the idea of choosing my heart over what's right. This morning I was starting to think that if I moved out I wouldn't feel this way all the time. Which is probably true but first I gotta get over the mini anxiety I'm having over vamps right now.

Day 1

So the initial plan was to come to work today && block out all depressing thought but since the minute I walked in I haven't really been able to stop crying. I swear the only thing I want right now is to talk to vampy. I hate the fact that that's all I want. I can't believe I'm actually upset right now. The relationship I had last summer ended when I heard my b.f having sex with someone else. I didn't even wince for a second. This dude steals && lies to my face && I can't bring myself to let go. LIke for all I know one Wednesday he can come up to me && be like I don't want to do this anymore but I don't think I want that. I want us to be happy again. I hate any of this ever happen. I just wanna be with him. I've been crying so much and all I want is for him to hold me && make it all better.....I don't know what else to say right now.

A Little More

He's just always been so nice && sweet to me I can't imagine what would make him do this. I can come up with a list of the things he does that make me love him but what if they were all a lie. Do I care? Probably not. As long as when he says he loves me its nothing but the truth his whole life could be a lie. Do I really mean that?? IDK. I don't know much of anything anymore. I can't separate real from fake right now. My head && my heart have NEVER been so damn conflicted.

It's Official

A little update is that today I got the much needed evidence that vamps is the one who did it. He won't admit to it but at the same time I saw all I needed. You would think that right now I would have taken the thing && ran home waving it around && called the cops as he suggested I do but instead, i sit here hurting, trying to figure out why but more so because we're officially on a break. Just thinking about it makes my eyes water. No scratch that cry. I feel so alone right, even though like on one hand this is a good thing I guess. The time apart will hopefully help with the on going confusion I've been having about vamps. I mean after all thats happen in the past few days I still want to be with him I just don't know if I can.

Untitled

I'm tired of being depressed. Sick of being let down. I guess in the back of my mind I should've known that my happiness was false && that nothing as good as whats been going on for the past few months could actually be for real. I feel like pieces are falling off all around me && its only a matter of time before I collapse. There really is no point in being upset, definitely no point in crying. Only thing left to do now is sit back && wait for the damage to happen.

Just Thinking *Little Bit of A Rant*

I was in the process of deleting names from my buddy list when I was just thinking of making a whole new one, I mean who important is actually on my old one? Exactly no one...I figure anyone who matters will eventually get the new one but thats not what this post is about. I saw that I had blocked the s.n of my ex && thought about how I treated him. I find tit funny && fucked up how much he would whine about spending time with me && how I pretty much just looked at him like eh. He wasn't my only bf at the time && the way he acted only made it worse I mean he was sweet but he was lazy && annoying && kinda selfish when it came to his priorities. But still this isn't what the post is abt. I been sitting here talking to vamps thinking if he would really screw me over && as much as I wanna get mad I really can't since A. I treat him like crap at times. && B. Since I believe in karma, the way I treated my last few bfs, or w.e ones in between the dudes that didn't screw me, wasn't really the best. Its like all my relationships have been a race to who can screw the other over first. Who can hurt the other in the most creative way. Thats terrible to say I know & I don't mean to say I never cared about the dudes I've been with. Going back to vamps. I really care about him so much sometimes it hurts. I thought I loved him. I think I love him. No I knew I loved him. Now I'm questioning if I even know what love is. I wish I could tell vamps all the things that differ from the relationships I've had in the past but I feel like it would only make things worse. Especially if I brought up the little somewhat "fact" that I've never been in a "exclusive" relationship. Each one always had extras from outside people. If i was to tell him that I've never ever cheated on him not even came close to it, that I managed to stop myself from what just feels natural to me. He would NEVER believe me. Definitely not after what happen last weekend. [yes he finally told me what I did] That was just beyond, beyond. I'm going to leave it at that. SMH. I've changed a lot being with vamps, even if it's not the way he would've wanted me to. I can see I did && knowing that I can almost promise that, that change will shatter the minute I walk away from vamps, atleast for a little while, shows me, if no one else, that I care about vamps. Rite now I'm just a little confused on the love thing. Like I said by my definition I do. Don't know If I want to but I do.

Bitter Fucking Sweet

Right now as I sit here really about to cry I just feel like the end of my so called happy life is near. Today one of the biggest coincidences ever happen. Today vamps got money from his "boss" && found out that he was going to be getting his laptop tomorrow. So we went to the Nintendo store && he took me to the movies. During the movie I found out that my Grandmas house was broken into && guess what got taken?? Yep her laptop (same exact one that vamps is pose to be getting) money && other things. By the end of the day I was beginning to think this was no coincidence. I just felt like he knew to much, that it just fit together to damn well. Fucked up right. That I would think my boyfriend would steal from my family. So I shook the thoughts outta my mind && let it go until we was on the train && he gave me a hard time when I tried to look into his bag && I saw a wire from a laptop. I started crying knowing I was going to have to break up with him but still I tried to let it go but then when I couldn't hold it in any longer I told him what I was thinking for the second time, he mentioned something to me about not being able to get into my grams house because he has no key so when I got home I checked && the key is gone =[ I swear it's just not fucking fair. If he really did do this to me then I I don't know why && actually really do think I love him. && if it's for real then IDK what the hell I'm supposed to do. This can't be for real. Please don't let this be for real. I don't wanna lose vampy. I don't wanna lose everything that I feel I've gained in the last few months but if I can't trust what my boyfriend tells me && if my gut is telling me that things are only going to get worse maybe we should just take a break. I've been stable for so long with him tho, vampys been soo good to me I just don't understand why. I can't understand why.

Home Again...

So I'm back home again after a weekend away upstate && boy must I say I did not miss this place. Being away just made me realize how much I can't wait to start school && move out. How much I wanna be independent && after two years of waiting I just may get my chance. This week I'm suppose to register for classes, file for a student loan && go to the school to look at the apartment listings they have available. I need to get a job in the next few weeks && maybe even apply for government aid. All this before September 3 because right now my one && only goal is to move out. Getting into school was the first step. Everything else I just said is the 2nd 3rd 4th && how many ever other things I said.

Grrr

So it's August 3 and after what was suppose to be "My Weekend" I'm sitting in freakin White Plains waiting for nothing I guess. I don't wanna say for the day to be over but I will say for the day to pick up. This weekend was suppose to be anything I want which should of been one happy as weekend but as usual whenever a day is granted to me nothing really turns out the way I want it. Thursday was cool, the night was good even though I woke up with a minor hangover and then had to get up and still go to work. I made it through work without passing out && then met up with vampy who had been oh so sweet to me the past two days. He had got the food && the drinks so all was left to da was to go back and relax. Only problem in that was that vamps was drunk && I was depressed so I ain't really feel like drinking but at the same time didn't want to kill vampys buzz. So I tried hard to find a medium but it didn't really work to well. Lucky for me he didn't seem to mind && said he understood. So we made it all the way back without any problems until we got out the cab && I caught a titty attack over 2 dollars. wow right. 2 little fucking dollars caused the downward spiral that became my Friday night. What had happen was we ran into his "favorite" cab driver. && me being tired, hungry && depressed just handed vamps the exact fare but he was like I'm not gonna give him a tip. Of course that should've clicked in my head before giving him the money since they were talking about how he always gives good tips. Not that I was really paying attention cause like I said all I wanted to was go back to the room && get my mood up. So me being little miss bitchy hops out of the care after he pays && starts to walk off. Even after he was being nice && trying to explain && maybe even apologize I wanna stay in crap mode && blow him off. SMH still after that when I finally show up at the door he asks me if I want him to go get my soda. *sigh* the more I write this the more like crap I feel. Anyways we ended up getting into a fight that resulted in me getting both my wrist hurt && him walking out. Me, crying && pacing && then running out to find him. I find him && he comes back with me but he's still mad. So that led to me trying to get him to talk to me && when that failed I turned to the drink that he made me. Then to the bottle on the table. && then to my own concoction of a drink that may have been a bit to strong. Meanwhile *lol* in the bathroom vamps was drinking just as much if not more than me. After feeling a little better we managed to patch things up enough but one thing led to another && yea lets just say more drinks equal less memory. Just like the night before I blacked out. Only difference is when I woke up vampy was mad at me && I literally had no clue why because the last thing I remember we was doing something that would make BamBam happy....=/
But anyways Saturday pretty much consisted of me getting over my hangover && vampy being vampy. Things didn't turn out the way I saw them on that day either but oh well. Today is a new day. Vampy is happy so I'm not gonna dwell on stuff I can't remember or the things I can't change.

Definitely Unwelcome

I got my answer && trust me it was truly un-freakin-welcome...with the news from yesterday floating around in my head I can only focus on the trip Im taking tonight. The trip I mentioned that was suppose to start on Friday is starting tonight instead && it couldn't have come at a better time. I need to get the hell away from these people and fast as possible. Meaning I'm going to pack my bag. Throw on a t-shirt && jeans. TRY to fix my hair && go to work. Then once I get to my beloved job I'm going to do all my work within a 3 hour time slot so I can meet my mom at four && continue on with my day. *breathe* Gee. I can't wait for this day to be over.

*sigh*

Ok so I'm antsy....very very antsy. I went upstairs to wait for vampy but couldn't even sit still on the steps for more than a minute before I walked up to the corner, scanning the block as I walked. I stood on the corner waiting to see if he was in the store or on the way up the block before I realized that it hadn't even been ten minutes since the time of the text he sent me saying he was in the pizza shop. I figured there was no way he could be done already so I walked back to my job, came inside and started writing this blog. Tryna calm my nerves && talk myself down. I allowed myself to get excited about something I had no evidence of && for that I sit here semi suffering. I wanna know but at the same time since I did allow myself to get psyched about the maybes the definites seem like an unwelcome visitor.

ICWFF

Translation: I CAN'T WAIT FOR FRIDAY! lol. Why you ask? Because on friday night I'm suppose to be going on somewhat of a little vacation with vampy. We're gonna get a room so we can be completely alone. We're gonna watch tv && do my hair && well I'm gonna pig out. Of course we're gonna do all that x rated stuff but that's a given. =]. Best part is just to be able to lay with vampy with no interruptions and just sleep. Another trip away from reality.

Well

I am so freakin hungry right now. I got about an hour before I can get any food unless I actually go to the store before vamps shows up. Which I don't want to do. I guess I can use this time to decide what I'm actually gonna eat since right now all I'm thinking is chocolate and cake. Oh and ice cream. None of those are actually full and will probably make me sick if I combine them all together. Not to mention I need to eat more well balanced meals..... Ummm nothing comes to mind. =/ Oh well. In other news as of yesterday I was officially accepted to Mercy and will most likely be going there this Fall. I was hoping to be in the dorms at first but also wishing for an off campus apartment if I couldn't do dorms. Since it is close to the start of the term && I just only handed in my application on Friday I know my chances of being in the dorms are slim so I'm still hoping for the off campus apt. even though thats a far stretch as well but I'm still gonna try. By the end of the month I hope to have a job near my school and an idea of whats gonna happen with the housing situation since I know there's a chance I may not get the apt. I'm aware I may just be sitting at home until things turn around. One thing that did happen that I never thought would though. I'm not going to write about it till I'm 100 percent sure. Right now vamps is but I'm on like a 85 percent thing. I think I'm just a little skeptical of the situation so that's keeping me from jumping for joy and running to the doctor. *sigh* I need to hop aboard vampys train && just be happy. *big smiles* =D. Anyway I gotta get back to my work now...

Um Um

I'm bored && I want some more cookies from Maxwells =/ Depending on the time I get off I may just go down there && pick up some more. I'm gonna set aside 20 bucks just for cookies. Yea I know fatass but who the hell cares. I got like 50 more minutes before Vampy gets back to take me to lunch but from the looks of it, it may just rain either before or during my lunch which um yea would suck balls. Hot sweaty balls. lol. In other news as of um what was that Saturday? Yea I think it was Saturday so as of Saturday I've picked Mercy as my school of choice for September. Which is why on Friday I will not be at work, I will be on a bus with Vamps on my way to check on the housing situation. Ugh time is moving too effin slow dammit. *sigh* I'm gonna go find something to do.

Dammit

I'm getting cramps && I'm getting depressed all at the same time. Only one person would probably actually know why. Saturday is still 4 days away and Vampy still keeps saying that there's a chance. I don't know if he actually believes it or not. I, on the other hand, have pretty much just stopped getting my hopes up. Even though since I'm sitting here right now on the verge of tears each time I feel a cramp, I guess in the back of my mind I still hold on to the inkling of hope that my dreams aren't completely shattered.

Bleh

OMG my joints && muscles are killing me. I woke up this morning in screaming pain. I'm pose to meet up with vampy today at like 10 but now i think he's coming to my building so i guess ill just wait for him, My mom just said something to me that I found interesting. If I was to go to school here in the city but stay in the dorms. That never occurred to me before but now that I think about it that would be a great way to be near here but get the hell out of here. The only problem I have is the same with all dorms. I hate girls. [NOT all} Just most. They get on my effin nerves && I don't know if I could ever share a room with another one. Especially if they're anything like my sister was. SMH but the overall idea of the situation sounds like THE answer. If there ever was one. But now I'm rambling so I'm going to get dressed && think about this more later.

IDK

I've been up since 530 && at work since 9 this morning. I didn't get off until almost 8 today. This is the second time this week that I've done an 11 hour shift. Only this time I actually took my lunch break. Which is when I met up with Vampy who was upstate for a better part of the day. He came && met me just as I was walking back from the pizza shop. He's been feeling sick lately which I hate since it always make me worry. Today he felt sick but it was something easy to get over, until tonight when he started feeling weird. I hated leaving him just now but I had no choice. I wanted to take him home and lay him down in the bed so that I could take care of him but since I knew that was out of the question I would've settled for just sitting in the staircase all night with him so that I know that he's ok. *sigh* I've got counseling in the morning && I'm tired as hell but I don't wanna go to sleep even though I feel as though I can barely keep my eyes open for another second. It times like these that I hope that vamps is around long enough to raise his ninja clan. My heart is screaming that he'll be fine but my brain is thinking the worse. SMH. I don't know what else to say right now so I guess I'll just go.

What The Freak!

I swear I just did my laundry the other day and I feel like everything I washed is missing. Hell I feel like all my clothes are missing. I know anyone who has or would walk into my room would think I'm crazy for thinking I have no clothes since it's obvious that I have more clothes that I can do with but most of that stuff really just needs to be tossed cause i don't wear it anymore. I don't know if that's because I don't want to or the fact I just never think of it since it's all stowed away in my closet so I think of it as storage sometime...which isn't really the case I just have no where else to put it. Now the article of clothing in question for today was this grey cat in the hat shirt that I got a few weeks ago. No idea where that damn thing went since I swore I saw it just the other day unless my brain's scrambled. IDK. but the biggest mystery when it comes to my clothes && I'm not kidding with this is what the freak happen to my stewie shirt. I wore that shirt once && after that it disappeared for like a month. Found it washed it && before I could even wear it, the blasted thing was gone again. Few more weeks go by and it popped up somewhere. So same story wash it put it away. This time I actually got to wear it. Yay right. lol. But yea After the last time I washed it I haven't seen it. Which sucks since I kinda liked that shirt =[. With that being said, I'm going to go get dressed && hopefully meet vampy on time for once.

My Head Hurts

&& I'm tired. I wanna go home && lay with vampy for a while. Nothing extra just lay on his chest && listen to his heart beat...but oh well I can't so I guess I'll just do the next best thing. Hang out with him until its time for me to go home. As annoying as it is I just have to deal with that fact that home can't include him. Not anymore anyway && probably not for a while... =/
In other news my shift is officially over so all I have left to do is wait for vamps to come && meet me. Literally that's ALL I have to do since all the students are gone && I've done all my work for the day. La la la la la la. Checking through my myspace bored outta my mind. Yea that's usually sign number one of boredom. When I go on myspace...unless I have a set reason to like adding pictures or just changing the damn song that no one probably even listens to but now I'm just rambling cause no one cares. Hell I don't even care. I just wanna get the hell outta here. NO offense to anyone here at HL. Nothing personal just tired. *sigh* I was on collegeboard a little while ago trying to pick a school but I dont even know what criteria I'm searching for. I don't have the slightest clue as to what I want in a school or where I wanna go or if I even wanna go. I want pizza dammit. Pizza and ice cream...

=[

I just spilt coffee on my little white shirt =[. Yes I think we all agree that deserves a sad face. I guess that's what I get for tryna down it lol. Lucky for me it was cold && not fresh out the pot or this woulda been an angry message. Probably would've killed the buzz I had going for today and everything.

Ugh

I hate my room it's so freakin humid and sticky in here that it's not even funny. I walk into a nicely air conditioned room when I first walk through the front door and then after basking in the cool air I walk into the hot hell that is my room. The only time I'm not feeling icky is when I'm sitting directly in front of the fan. SMH Anyways apparently there's a nimrod on the floor above me banging something or hitting something. It sounds like he's nailing something which would make him...or her a serious lame considering the fact that its almost one in the morning && according to mommy dearest, he's been at it since 12 or something. If he messes with my sleep I'm kicking someone. Speaking of which I need sleep && lots of it...sadly I'll just have to deal with the six or less hours I will hopefully get tonight.

*Edit* P.S he's still going...I can't figure out for the life of me what the hell could he be doing. That annoying sound is going to drive me up a wall.

Three Days Late

4th of July was three days ago but this is the only time I felt like getting on here to write about it. Um so on Friday me && vamps went upstate to watch the fireworks in dobbs ferry or however the heck its spelled. We made a video of it but since I haven't actually sat back and made any still shots out of them I don't have any visuals to post. That's all for now hopefully by the end of the week I have something to show from that day.

SKIP THIS

Why does it always rain on the freaking 4th of july. I think this is like the third year in a row. Its been sunny all week and now outta nowhere it gets cloudy && cold-ish. 'm sitting here still kinda out of it from last night tryna get myself to wake up so I may ramble through this. I didn't actually plan on waking up until 11 but since vamps wants to meet at 11 I woke up at 8 just incase I fell back asleep again. I'm also doing research on stuff that only matters to me and watching the end of Sabrina. Thinking of what I'm going to wear. I guess this weather would explain why everyone was doing their fireworks yesterday though.

Ugh

So I got my summer job that I wanted to effin bad, I even got to work where I wanted but now that I'm sitting here bored, hungry && missing vampy all I have to say is...three more freaking hours. Sitting here I'm kinda thinking about what vamps and I was talking about yesterday when we was in the park. 101 different scenarios keep going through my head and I'm starting to get a headache from tryna figure out which one would really happen. Even though it's impossible to know.

Ok this sucks.

I can't find my boyfriend =[. I was suppose to meet him at like 7 i think but since I over slept Idk where he is. He hasn't wrote me or emailed me or anything. I don't know if he even went home last night. I hate this feeling of not knowing if he's even ok. It's making me a little depressed.

Um...

I feel like shit right now if anyone cares. Why? Because It seems like I'm just forever wrong. No matter what I do thats right, I'm somehow simultaneously doing something else that's wrong. For the first time in a long time I'm actually putting myself on the line to the point where my heart actually hurts && my self esteem gets battered. Doesn't take much to do either since I'm practically trying like alls hell to figure out of this freakin maze called a relationship. Tryna figure out how to show I care but I guess I'm doing that wrong. I guess I show it too much. I guess I want to feel it too much. I guess I just want too much. I must be putting to much pressure on the situation by trying to open the chains. I guess I need to slow down a bit. Maybe that will get the flow of my emotions under control. Never thought I'd have to pull back on how I feel. *sigh* Not only that but I also have to figure out how to bend to make things work without completely losing myself in the process. Another prime example of how wrong I am. I have to do a freaking reconstruction on my mentality before me && vamps break up. Or worse, my inner being is completely crushed. SMH. Never had someone shove my mistakes in my face so much. It hurts I'll tell you that much, but I guess that's my fault for opening up to him. For thinking he was exempt from average human behavior. Its days like this that make me wonder is there even a point in sticking around. Yea I love him && care about him a lot but is any of it really worth it? Of course I won't know the answer to that until further down the line but yea....damn I feel like slicing my wrist && screaming off the top of a building from the pain. Watch the blood drip down && then call it a day.

Tears Mark the End

So today wasn't too bad of a day. I chilled with vampy from about 12 until a few minutes ago. We was watching Naruto && playing games && what not but even with a day filled with laughs it ended in tears. I got iinto a mini fight with vamps but then to make matters worse my mom started talking about the same stuff...second guessing my relationship with my boyfriend. Making me want to disappear. Idk it just kinda hurt that something that makes me so happy she was saying was all a fake. To me, as dumb as I may sound writing this, even if it is all wrong right now it's sorta right. He makes me happy, sure the situation isn't perfect && I feel bad not getting into this more, like having him call to check up on things more often but he's trying. It's just that I feel like if I push him on it, it'll mess up our fun. Hate to be a kill joy. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm actually getting a headache because of this, a stress headache at that.

Retake

So maybe I was wrong. Sucks don't it to have to sit there && admit to the fact that you didn't something semi fucked up. Especially to a person that actually means something. To me it makes it ten times worse because If i fucked up to the point where I made them mad or hurt them. Coming out and acknowledging it makes me feel like the worse person ever. I don't know maybe I'm backwards for that. I always hated apologizing...especially if it's a constant occurrence. I mean he said it himself sorry only works for so long && I can only agree with it. So if that's the case why the freak do I keep screwing up?

The Answer is No...

Except for when things are based around what goes on in my head. Apparently then the answer is always yes. Yes this, yes that, sure why the hell not everything. Even if I really don't want to do something it's very rare that I will actually let that be known unless it's something general (not a specific request) like walking ten blocks when I'm tired or just feeling lazy. I don't want to do it && 9 times outta 10 I let that be known. For some reason though whenever I do sit there and be like no or maybe later, that's the moment people remember. Cause then I'm just wrong for not doing it && whatever reason it is I choose not to isn't valid. This ISN'T a stab at anyone in particular so don't take it the wrong way. I'm just mad at myself that I can never be the one to say no && annoyed that even though I try to please everyone my short comings are always getting in the way of it.

Bad Nerves

My nerves are wearing extremely thin. I'm at the breaking point where I just really wanna get up && literally runaway. Write my mom a nice little letter && get on with my life because this isn't freakin workin. I'm so sick of being constantly questioned about the same damn thing. I'm so sick of the fact that every time I feel a little bit of happy && I feel a little bit relaxed it gets pulled back under. I don't know what to do anymore because even though the solution seemed obvious yesterday I see that that's only gonna cause me more stress. This needs to be done a little more under the radar. *sigh* I just wolfed down a burger that left a bad taste in my mouth. Ew. I guess I should go do my hair so I can go to bed sometime tonight.

Too Freakin Everything

It's too freakin hot...I'm too freakin full of liquids && there's too much freakin sand in my bed, in my clothes && in my shoes. Still?? Yes still. It's like as soon as I get it out I end up getting more. Like I like the heat cause it makes for really nice/sweet nights but at the same time when I walk away from vampy I have to go home to my hot ass room && try && rest. Like right now I'm naked with not one but two fans blowing warm air on me. && this is how I might just stay && since my hair is annoying the hell outta me I'm going short on Wednesday. Give or take. Aw man I feel like I'm gonna really blow chunks right now. Anyway tomorrow I might go to my grams for a few nights depending on my mood.

Sand In My Pants

I've got sand in places sand should never be dammit. In my hair, in my shoes, in my pants, socks...bra. Yea I got sand in my freakin bra but I will spare you the details of how it all got there. Bad enough I gotta come home && de-sand but I get here && my sister has taken over my computer. Then has the nerve to ask why I get upset when you uses it. I'm like duh cause A. you have a computer && B. It's MY computer. MIne! mine. mine. mine. mine. mine. && yea so what that sounds freakin selfish but I don't freakin care because I found out the other day that my sister got a summer job. Even though my mom filled out the application && I brought the damn thing in...none of that matters. SMH && now she's using my phone. I swear I'm about to become an ultra bitch cause being nice is getting me nothing but a headache. Shit. I even have sand under my nails. Ew. I just bit some. && this just in. Apparently I just hurt my mothers feeling. Not on purpose though. Never on purpose. I guess she just doesn't like the way I hold conversations even though she sort of asked for it since she came in my room first complaining about the fact that I had no panties on. Then made a few comments about vampy. Had the nerve to actually sit there and say we don't argue && then went back to the infamous incident on May 29th. The one day I am trying like alls hell to forget && the one situation that I'm tryna cope with && vampy is tryna fix she just has to bring up && pick at. I'm rude && disrespectful right? Well if that's the truth then it's only cause I'm sick of fighting. I try to agree with you so that things go smoothly but for what if you still find something to get mad about. You say the littlest comment && I let them piss me off. I need a new coping plan && I am so happy that vampy is bringing me drinks tomorrow. I just wish I woulda got more.

*Sigh*

Today is the big freaking day that I've been, more or less, wanting to come for most of my highschool days && now that it's here I just wanna walk the other way. I'm about to go outside to meet vampy, who's not only been tutoring me for the better half of the last three weeks but is also taking me to the test site. I think that's the only way I'm gonna be able to go in there cause if I was doing this alone I'd probably really walk away. Or be shaking with nerves. All of because of a pointless test that holds so much weight when in this twisted little world. Stupid SATs. SMH. I'm getting nauseous just thinking about it.

Good Night

So I'm about to go to bed but before I do I want to point out what I'm gonna have to spend the next week or so getting back. First thing being the extra money I woulda got if I had taken my sisters test for her. Even if I was completely torn on the subject && considering it for all the wrong reasons. THe second thing being my 2'oclock curfew. I've been pushed back from 1 to 12. I was aiming for 2 as a birthday present but that didn't turn out so well given the circumstances of how the day ended. I believe both are obtainable...just gotta find the best way to go about it.

My mom...

Just won't let this thing go...even though she keeps saying that she is going to. She keeps asking all these random questions about vampy that I just don't know the answer to. Every time she asks one of the questions the little man inside my head hits the escape button repeatedly. Too bad he doesn't know the damn think is broken. && poor little me doesn't have the money to fix it. Don't worry little guy I'm working on it. I just need some more time.

No More Vampy =[

As the sun goes down && I sit here about to embark on a search for episode 21 [lol] I'm starting to feel really depressed. Since I'm laying here in the dark && it feels like everything in here reminds me of vampy which makes it worse. I'm watching a show that only makes me think of how i wanna go back to times square && play the game with vampy. I look around my room and see how clean it is && I think of how we cleaned it. I look at the closet && funny as it sounds I think of him. && then of course there is my bed. That one's pretty self explanatory. =] There's about 9 hours && 10 minutes until the sun is suppose to rise. I might actually stay up for it depending on my mood.

Ugh

I'm getting pissed off...this freakin internet signal keeps goin up && down, up && down which makes looking && watchin my freakin show damn near impossible. I wanna get through the first season before the end of the day but the internet is making things really hard =[.

Update

Well I've got about 19 more hours to my mini lockdown && so far today I went to the store && walked my dog. Or rather vampy walked the dog && I tagged along lol. I'll probably be doing a lot of mini updates throughout the day since I have nothing else to do but wait for emails && search for freaking Naruto episodes since Vamps has turned me into a hardcore fiend. I'm in the process of tryna find episode 14. Not in english though....finding it in english is easy. I want it in japanese but for some reason all the ones in jap have spanish effin subtitles. *sigh* makes no sense. Anyways I'm gonna get back to that. Hopefully I find it.

So

Yesterday was probably by far the worst day ever && I can only blame myself for that. Why? Because if I had just told vampy "No, I'll meet you && then we can come by for cake." If I coulda just got him to understand that that's what I really wanted. To blow out my candles with him next to me. To open my present with him right there. Not having to worry about getting caught. Not having to watch everything said. Try to take the heat off the situation between my sister && us. Event though sitting here && thinking back I see that I only made that worse. Cause if I wasn't pissed off && listening to other people. Tryna do what they would do. I woulda either taken the moneu && called it a day. Or I woulda never agreed to let my mom talk to my sister about it until after vampy was gone. But since I refused to take my sisters test it led to the whole argument && on my birthday none the less. && that argument led to me not thinking straight. So we ended up getting caught. Yesterday is one birthday I will never forget but will try my damnedest to. I feel like I ruined my own birthday because the only thing I got that I actually wanted was the money. My mom ended up pissed at me. && I ended up hating my sister. All because I felt bad that vampy felt bad that he couldn't get me anything. Cause don't get me wrong....I'm not completely crazy. In the right state of mind I would have never agreed to let vampy sit in my room trying to go undetected on a day that's devoted to me when the house is filled with my family. But like I said I can only blame myself. Then to top it off vampy went && told my mom all these things I may or may not have said so now she's looking at him like he got some big ass balls, tryna tell her what's wrong with her family. && looking at me like I'm missing something for telling him && stupid for letting him think or talk about my family like that. Especially since right now he can't do anything for me && I can't take care of myself. I guess in my mind I was half thinking about that but more so about the love factor. So from there we went into another conversation about why I do the things I do && about family being all I got. Which led to me explaining the same shit all over again. I swear I think what pissed me off the most is that vampy always gets mad at me for not lying && that he said his main focus was so that I don't have stress at home. But by him doing the very thing he gets mad at me for it led to the one thing he says he's always trying to prevent. SMH. I pretty much wasted my birthday. && I feel really bad that my mom feels all her efforts were wasted. Damn I shoulda just left well enough alone. It's always worked before. I kinda wish I could just go back to Wednesday && go with my first instinct. Then none of this woulda happened.

This Sucks.

I feel like the biggest inconvenience right now. I feel like everyone around me is being forced in one way or another to acknowledge me. I've never hated this day so much or have I ever felt so freakin empty on this damn day. I don't wanna say that it's not fair but it's not. Solitude is pretty much all that makes up my little world. The real one, not the imaginary one. && on most days I'm fine. But today, today I'm just feeling like I should've just disappeared.