Just Thinking *Little Bit of A Rant*

I was in the process of deleting names from my buddy list when I was just thinking of making a whole new one, I mean who important is actually on my old one? Exactly no one...I figure anyone who matters will eventually get the new one but thats not what this post is about. I saw that I had blocked the s.n of my ex && thought about how I treated him. I find tit funny && fucked up how much he would whine about spending time with me && how I pretty much just looked at him like eh. He wasn't my only bf at the time && the way he acted only made it worse I mean he was sweet but he was lazy && annoying && kinda selfish when it came to his priorities. But still this isn't what the post is abt. I been sitting here talking to vamps thinking if he would really screw me over && as much as I wanna get mad I really can't since A. I treat him like crap at times. && B. Since I believe in karma, the way I treated my last few bfs, or w.e ones in between the dudes that didn't screw me, wasn't really the best. Its like all my relationships have been a race to who can screw the other over first. Who can hurt the other in the most creative way. Thats terrible to say I know & I don't mean to say I never cared about the dudes I've been with. Going back to vamps. I really care about him so much sometimes it hurts. I thought I loved him. I think I love him. No I knew I loved him. Now I'm questioning if I even know what love is. I wish I could tell vamps all the things that differ from the relationships I've had in the past but I feel like it would only make things worse. Especially if I brought up the little somewhat "fact" that I've never been in a "exclusive" relationship. Each one always had extras from outside people. If i was to tell him that I've never ever cheated on him not even came close to it, that I managed to stop myself from what just feels natural to me. He would NEVER believe me. Definitely not after what happen last weekend. [yes he finally told me what I did] That was just beyond, beyond. I'm going to leave it at that. SMH. I've changed a lot being with vamps, even if it's not the way he would've wanted me to. I can see I did && knowing that I can almost promise that, that change will shatter the minute I walk away from vamps, atleast for a little while, shows me, if no one else, that I care about vamps. Rite now I'm just a little confused on the love thing. Like I said by my definition I do. Don't know If I want to but I do.