Bad Thoughts

I lost my virginity [hymen] in one of the worst ways possible. Looking back on it & thinking of vamps I really wish I could have had that experience with someone I cared about & loved. Or at least even liked. I hate that the thought of something that should have been special makes me cry. We always joke & say that vamps was my first & at time I really wish he was, sometimes I even like to pretend that before him there was none. It's all so sad, it's not even one of those moments that I can site back & say "Don't be upset because at the time it's what you wanted" I didn't want it, hell I didn't even think I wanted it. The only experience I can blame myself for is drinking with a stranger. I have to give myself some blame, it would only be right. I wish my past could have been different but I just have to keep reminding myself not to think about it. Even though I am still looking for the one thing that seems to be the cause of my problems, I just have to keep myself moving forward. No matter how much I wish I could change. No matter how sad I am.