2:50 PM

Internets out & I'm in need of a new lip gloss. Also some blistex cause my lips have become really chapped the last few days. I really wish I could stop thinking about how things are going to turn out. It's constantly eating at me, making me agitated, mad, sad & just plain stressing me out. I won't know what his intentions are until he comes back out & then & only then will I know where to go from there. I'm tired of the what ifs going in my head & I'm sick of always thinking about it. I feel like I've been planning my life around a person who's doing nothing to make my life better. & it's gotta stop.

Taste Buds Maybe

I got a sandwich the other day when I was at the DVB but didn't get a chance to eat it until today. Anyway, it's ham & mozzarella & all I can say is, ham & mozzarella taste a hell of a lot better when I was younger. Vamps would probably say it's just my taste buds but sadly he's not here right now to do so. Blah. I've been in & out of depressed mood all day so far & I really wish it'd stop.

More Please

I feel like I should eat more cinnamon rolls but I feel like it'd be a little extreme. I was so use to only eating 2 that when I ate 3 it was like wow, you must be hungry, then just now I put away 4 & since I didn't think I was even going to finish those now that I'm thinking about getting 1 or 2 more then I would really feel pregnant even though for some reason my body refuses to look it. Idk. I'll probably get more, I know vamps would be happy. Maybe not at my choice of breakfast but definitely at the fact that I'm eating to be full. =]

New Years Eve

So I'm pretty sure today is going to be one of those days full of mini post so just consider this part 1.
I've been up since 8, woke up with all these ideas so after I came back from the bathroom it was impossible to sleep. I wrote them out, pretty much just talking on paper. Then I tried to see if I can get Microsoft Office, since I really need it but no luck yet =/. I made a mental list of two things I wanted to do today or felt that I should do today that I probably won't do. I went to the store after that & got all the stuff my mom wanted for today, I had to lug that damn carry cart slash bag thingee & it really sucked. It was my first time carrying it & the damn thing kept hitting me & it felt ultra heavy pulling on my arms. I come back here to find my father sitting on the chair as usual eating & watching tv. He had the nerve to say "Oh your mother sent you to the store" That question irritated the hell outta me cause my pregnant ass had to fight with numerous high shelves, lug the basket [that was actually heavy this time] since there was no vamps & go to two stores to find the damn cider. Just so my mom wouldn't have to. Which I was HAPPY to do. None of this was a big deal, I actually found it all kind of funny. IDK why but it pissed me off but it did. Maybe cause of the fact that I was tired & nobody out of the 5 people standing in the lobby would let me in. =/. Who knows. Anyway, I'ma go eat & I'll add more later.

Around 4PM

Feeling my baby kick should always be a happy thing but sometimes it makes me sort of sad. I just wish he could be there, I just wish he could pay for something. I wish he had something to more to offer. I always thought I'd be fine if it ever came down to me having to do everything but now that it's in there I would feel so much better if he could just contribute something. Anything. This baby's gonna be here soon & the closer it gets the more I don't see me having any assistance from vamps. I mean it use to me be a fantasy now it just seems nonexistent. I see me being really frustrated & a lot of fights, cause if he does get out & things are worse than before then IDK what's gonna happen. I know that after the baby & my birthday I'm going to be a little too busy to put up with the stuff I do now. The things going through my head right now are doing nothing but upsetting me so I'm just gonna stop.

Until Next Time

Ok so I got a week again. Next week is Vampys next court date. Until then I guess I'll making myself or trying to make myself, self-sufficient. Even though I doubt that I'll even be able to begin the self sufficiency process until after the new year, or probably even after my birthday so that was pretty much a lie lol but um it helps to think that I will be. I'll be doing the research & what not though. IDK.

Irony At It's Best Maybe

The one thing that our whole argument was based on has led to that one thing. Being alone on New Years. It's official, that I won't be bringing in the new year with vamps. I wasn't in court with him today cause apparently they called his case while I was still in the DVB answering there questions & trying to get a hold on things. I'm still lost on some of it but from what I get is that he's staying in jail until our case is closed &possibly after. Since he had a freakin felony charge on his record from years ago that he never went to court for I think, then he may be in there for a while. Idk what the hell is going to happen. I was pretty upset earlier but I don't want to get overly upset until I know what's going on for sure & since I wasn't there I'm going by what everyone else is saying & since NONE of those people know what he's gonna get if the prosecute him for those charges then I don't even know. All I know is what on of the people said, which was that it's an automatic three years. I really hope she's wrong but since it is pretty much a given that he is not coming back right now it's time for a serious plan B. Since all the other one were just sorta serious since I kinda felt me & him would somehow be able to do things together but now I'm being faced with the possibility that I'll be doing this alone. It's still a little bit of a make believe situation but it's a hell of a lot more real than it was just a week ago when all he was doing was going upstate for a few months to fix things. Now he's gone until who knows. Seriously if I would have known this I wouldn't have put up a fight when he was gonna join the military or I would have sent him upstate in the beginning of the month because one of the reasons I let him stay was cause he didn't wanna be there for the holiday & I didn't see why he should have too. Only he's spent not only Christmas but now he'll be spending New Years in jail. Lovely. Just fucking lovely.

In my head I keep saying "might" on a lot of things but if that charge is real then I know there for sure some type of jail time. So the he "might" miss his son/daughters birth. He "might" miss out on some of the first. He "might" be in there for longer than just a few weeks. I "might" have to do this on my own. We "might" be separated for a while. All the "mights" become "will".& it sucks. It sucks that we can't work on things. Or that it's gonna be REALLY hard to make it work, let alone better. It sucks that our kid will be affected by this. & what makes it all worse is that all of this isn't even cause of what he did to me. If he didn't have those previous charges on his record then he would be here right now. They would have let him go on that first day during arraignment. Ugh. I really hope what that lady said wasn't true. Maybe she read it wrong, or maybe that charge isn't what the warrant was for. Hey, I never actually thought of that. She said he was arrested twice maybe the felony one was resolved & this is for something else. Even though the other lady said it's automatic, so if he had it, unless it was his then he would have had to serve jail time. Which he said he didn't. Either I'm going to keep in mind that it's possible that it's not that bad.

I can only be optimistic right now. There really is no point in thinking about the bad stuff you already know is possible. In this point in time I have to think of the good possibilities. If I don't I'll probably lose it.

Umm

The three post following this one were written throughout the day but I didn't post them until just now.

Crap

There is no organization in my room or in my life. Everything around me is just utter chaos & I have no idea where to begin in order to get either one in order. Ugh. It's irritating.

Random

I just realized why I hate my life so much, it's not only cause it sucks but because I had a life at one point. & now its gone & I see no chance of me getting it back anytime soon.

Another Day of Wondering

All morning I've been thinking about the way things are, the way they should be & the way i NEED them to be. Vamps keep saying not to worry about his situation & I've been trying not to but how the hell can I not. As long as we're together in some type of form, his problems cause me problems & then in return cause me stress. He's in jail now, so where do we go from when he gets out. I finally called the cops on him, & I may even press charges but then what. I know I need to take my life in the right direction. Sometimes I feel like he should fix his life & I should fix mine & then we should just meet up again & try to make this work. I would have loved it if I could have just moved in with him, or at least a place to go & hang out with him. If he could have just fixed his situation or made up a good situation for us & the munchkin but since he didn't, since he still hasn't. IDK what to do. I need to find a way to be able to support myself & my munchkin so that after it's born I can buy all the stuff it needs.

School

I hate looking for colleges. It's just freakin annoying. I can't find one that's just right, I was looking for a school for next semester & for September. But nothing. The only school that has almost everything in damn near freakin Canada in Oneota. & then there's a few schools that have one of my majors but there's something wrong. Like it's not SUNY/CUNY, it's cost too much, it's too far so the question is housing. Westchester college is convenient at the moment cause it's close to the city but still sorta away, but I would have no housing so yea. & it says no closing date but is that really ever true. I don't know where I'm going =[

La Di Da

There is no way out of this house unless a miracle happens & I somehow I find a full time job in the next few weeks. I can't deal with the constant "Right time" theory my mom has. Everything comes at its own time, there's a right time for everything. To me my thing is that the right time is when the individual is ready & maybe that's just my own way of thinking or my "pre-parent" thinking but that's what I believe. I've said it before & I'll say it again, I don't wanna leave here on bad terms. I don't wish to have to go the run away route just to be on my own. I want to leave here when I have a job & am able to move into an actual apartment but just because I want all that doesn't mean I'm not willing to tough it out if I have to. Also, yes I'm aware that vamps situation sucks but I don't want to constantly be reminded that the situation only got worse. I mean he's abusive, temperamental, & so many other things. Including the fact that he's going on a year with this same unfixed situation, but I care for him & I love him & I'm hoping that together we can somehow make things work. Nothing is perfect. What we have right now isn't even near it, but for some reason I still think it's worth a try.

Bittersweet

Christmas was yesterday & I got an oh so amazing camera from my mom. I love, it's so cute & perfect & the clarity is wonderful. I also got a fragrance set from my sister, a pedegg from my mom & cute little doggie slippers from my dad. The reasons for why it was bitter are obvious so there's no need to go into details on that, since I pretty much already did in my previous post. Even though I had my moments when I just wanted to sit back and cry [& points where I gave in] yesterday was a good day. & what's even better is that munchkin woke up I think. Last night I started to worry because I hadn't felt him move since the day before but I think maybe he just didn't have any energy because I wasn't doing such a good job with eating the past two days but today I am going to make sure I get plenty of juice & water. & that I eat full meals. So far I've had french toast, milk & orange juice which I think was pretty good & last night I made sure I ate all my veggies lol. I want my munchkin to not only make it to the finish line but to come out strong [healthy].

*Sigh*

As if this wasn't bad enough, I spoke with vamps for the last time until this whole thing is over. This morning a lady called from the domestic bureau and apparently it doesn't matter if I wanted the order or not, until this case is closed contact with him is not a good idea. So fine. Hopefully Monday this will all end, it's only two days. I can handle two days. I just hate that I have to. In addition to that I have to go there early as hell on Monday. The lady said nine but she also said get there A.E.A.P [As Early As Possible] So hence why I want to be there when the doors open.

Part Two

So after 9 hours of waiting vamps was finally arraigned. Sad to say he has a freakin warrant on him so he can't get out until after the 29 which is when his court date is set to. I talk to him three times today which was good, I don't know if I'll be able to talk to him anymore though, maybe once more since I only have enough for one more collect call. If the call isn't collect then I can. Hopefully I can. I just wrote about how I felt like I was doing things wrong but at the same time in this moment, I willing to accept the fact that I'm young & love vamps. I may just be too naive still to see what everyone else sees, or maybe I'm right by following my heart. It may be a mistake but I won't know until it's over & done with. Anyways, he was assigned bail & like I said they kept him =[. He asked me to try & get a hold of his brother & that's pretty much his plan to see if he can be out before then but if not then Monday is the day.

End Of Christmas Eve 08

It is impossible to be fucking happy in this damn place. Tomorrow is Christmas & even though vamps is still going to be in jail for it I was happy that I got to talk to him & saw him but these people had to ruin it with there stupid comments. I can't stand it, they complain about me being secretive all the time but now they know something & they're being so fucking annoying. All I want is a hug so badly. & I can't even get that. I give up. You know what. Vamps may not be the right person for me, he may even be bad for me but he helps me out with things I need, & he means something to me & as crazy as that sounds & as crazy as this whole fucking situation is right now I really need him & the fact that I'm sitting here all alone with no one to hold me & tell me everything is going to be ok is driving me crazy. I feel like I'm wrong for wanting to be around him. for even still talking to him. Sometimes it just feels so right when I'm with him, & sadly no one will ever understand that. This is supposed to be where I show that I'm strong enough to deal with this but maybe by standing by him, it shows that I am weak. Or maybe this is just the way I am & this is the way I handle things. I keep thinking there's a right answer to this but maybe there isn't one.

Part One

Ok so apparently things did get worse. Apparently this all fucking sucks and there's no way to stop it. Even though the police officer yesterday told me that today a D.A would call & ask what I wanted to do. & after all these lovely dreams about how this was gonna end today, he told me this. He told me what he was going to do. Apparently I have to have a order against him as he does me. & I can't let anyone know whether I'm pressing charges until after he's been arraigned which will hopefully be sometime today. He said I can't dismiss the restraining order until later. The domestic bureau said Friday if he's arraigned today. He said it's up to the judge where he stays until Monday. Since tomorrow's Christmas & what not. Ugh. & Hopefully they don't hold him & they let him go until his next court date. That's my only wish for today. Lets see if it comes true, because none of my dreams from last night did. I'm about to get up & go down there, even though I can't do shit I just wanna be down there.

Hope

Vamps got arrested today. Why? Because I called the cops on him. Why? Because I was upset at the fact he had put his hands on me. I was freaking out at the fact that I couldn't stop bleeding. Things got really bad today, and this time I can't even say it wasn't partly my fault. I don't know why it's so hard for me to just express shit. This whole entire ordeal may probably could have been avoided if only I would had been able to let him in, or at least let my guard down long enough to tell him that I was prolonging it because I love him, that I do care. If I would have told him, there's just so much he doesn't know about me & since I can't tell him, he'll never know. One hopefully we get the chance the talk. I'm so fucking depressed right now, I'm scared that I'll never see him again. Even after everything that's happen tonight I know I still care for him. I know I still love him & if it was up to me I know what my choice would be when it came to us being together. I just need to make it through the, geez I hope that they can see him tomorrow so that he can be out, so we can talk. If he even wants to talk to me. I know this was the right thing to do but I also know that it didn't have to go this far. If we can make it through this then hopefully we can talk about making things better. I'm not saying that he doesn't need help because no matter which way you put it, he still needs help. & maybe I do to but since the cop at the precinct mentioned group counseling then hopefully we can get it together. I know I keep saying hopefully but that's all I have right now is hope. All I can do is hope that tomorrow brings good news. There's just so much that he does for me. That I do for him. That we do for each other. I just need my hope to stay alive & hope that his hope didn't die tonight.

Blah

Ok so I don't know what's making me think of this but I'm sitting here getting very upset thinking about vamps. I'm like on the verge of tears & I keep trying to tell myself not to think about it until the time comes. Vamps will be leaving after New Years & I don't know what I'm going to do after he's gone. I'm trying my hardest not to think about it cause it only makes me cry but at times when I'm just doing everyday things I think about how different it's going to be without him & how much I'm going to miss him. I don't know how not to think about it, especially when it feels like we're running out of time. Like I've said a million times before I know this is the right thing to do & that it's for the best but still I am not looking forward to that day. For me this is one of the many signs of growing up, I just hope I can handle it.

Hi =]

Either I'm crazy or tylenol is a dream. I don't know how long before it happen but after having a pounding headache since before I woke up, half way through my sandwich my headache had noticeably subsided. Ugh it's wonderful =].

In other news today is the last day of school & I will not be there. Why? Because I find it useless to take a final that won't count for anything. Now I know some people may be thinking that I should just go, just in case some miraculous thing happens in the financial aid office & I no longer have the freaking pill. Well I don't care...I've made my decision & I've accepted the fact that this whole ordeal has set me back half a year. I'm walking away with nothing, & on what would have been final day, I will be looking for a new school. Two to be exact, one for now, & one for after the baby is here. I'm going to be going to most likely a CUNY school until June just to take my liberals & then transfer to a school that has my majors, which as of now is computer graphics & early childhood development, even though the second one may change. I'm out of things to say so I guess I'll stop there.

Is It Possible

I think I'm done. I think I really am done because I can't take this anymore. I'm not mad, I'm not upset I'm just sick of neglecting my needs. Or better yet having my needs neglected. I don't see a change happening & I don't want to watch the way things are being done anymore. If you want to live your life this way then fine but you won't be living it with me. I feel like there is no point in looking at what he can do to make it up or fix it. RIght now it's like the best thing to do is just move on & forget about all the pain he's caused me.

Finally

Ok so I made chocolate chip pancakes just now & after 2 1/2 batches they finally look somewhat normal =]. Happy dance. *woot woot* lol. Um yea I'm gonna go try them now so I'll be sure to post after I eat.

Um the damn thing wouldn't post & since I already ate I guess I'll just update now. I ate one of them & I'm really proud to say that they actually taste good lol. Made me nauseous as fuck but um yea at least I know I'm capable of making them.

Confused

I'm trying to figure out how someone can be so nice & so mean. So right yet so wrong all at the same time. I just can't figure it out...you do so many nice things...the little things that some people never get to experience. But the mean things you do...the things you do wrong are so much bigger than the small nice things. One day when you can do the big nice things I'm wondering if the big bad things are going to get bigger or will they just be on the same level to the point that they cancel each other out. I don't know what our future is anymore...sometimes I don't even know if we have one anymore. I'm in a somewhat neutral state of mind when it comes to us. So now I guess I'm just waiting to see what happens next.

I Wrote This Yesterday

I think of how I got my first tattoo, it was on the spot, no second guessing it. I remember how when my b.f at the time found out about it he was mad as hell but it didn't even matter because the tattoo was something I always wanted. I didn't think how everyone else would feel, or think of it or me because it didn't matter. I want to get back to that. I want to stop second guessing my needs & desires. I want to stop putting myself last & take a step forward. I need to make it known to myself & anyone else who's listening that I deserve to be happy. I gotta get back to who I use to be and then grow from there.

...Anyone can survive, but you don't have to be so damn sad doing it...
Yes it's from a movie so it may seem cheesy but it doesn't matter cause it means something to me =]