Happy Halloween

Soooo today pretty much sucked. All me & vamps have done is fight...& it sucks balls dammit. I can't even think of a way to make things better. Shit I don't even know if I should try to. Ugh today has just been wrong from the start...*sigh* I'm about to go for a walk I think.

OMGosh

I just had to pee in a freaking cup [styrofoam] because my sister was in the shower & I just couldn't hold it. I feel like she is ALWAYS in the freaking bathroom, its like never ending. Blah...I'm beginning to think my mom was right about getting a damn bucket. =[ Anyways I'm gonna go shove my face.

Be Careful What You... ehh You Know The Rest =]

I was just sitting here thinking about dying my hair this week & realized that if I did I would have to dye it constantly just to keep it black. & what I found funny was that when I was younger & my hair was jet black I use to look at people with brown hair & be like aw I wish my hair was lighter & what not but now that my hair has for some strange reason turned brown I just want it to be jet black again. The brown just seems so summery and it's freakin fall. I hate that I have to dye my hair at all but I hate it even more that I have to do it just to be freaking black of all colors. geez. I guess this is one of those be careful what you wish for moments.

Plain Turkey

I don't understand why plain turkey taste so damn salty. I'm eating this bagel/sandwich & it taste salty & chalky. I feel like I was better off just eating it with plain cheese. I also don't know why someone would actually buy plain turkey because the last time I checked everyone in this house eats honey roasted turkey. But anywho...I'm gonna eat this thing minus the turkey & call it a day.

Boredom is a Bitch

I have this sudden urge to just get under peoples skin tonight. So far I've had one taker...happened by accident actually he actually messaged me with a retarded as statement & from there I just had a blast in taunting & teasing him. Only problem is now that he's "mad" he sucks at insults or any type of comeback it's like fighting with a little kid. It's funny as hell though so I guess it serves the purpose but I just wish I had more people to fight with. Yes I know I could be doing something much more productive but right now all I wanna do is make people annoyed, pissed, irritated...shit I don't care as long as it's amusing to me.

Uhh

I don't know what I just made but in my head this meal tasted really good, & hopefully it does now because all it is, is pasta & beef. I wanted it to have parmesan cheese but my dad left it in the cabinet so it's like wtf. Idk. Anyways that was all.

My organs are shifting! My organs are shifting!

Lol...um well I'm not crazy...I just read this thing that said in the second trimester your organs begin to shift so that your body can make room for the uterus. =]. I just keep seeing all of my organs just wiggling around to make room for this big blob like thingee. [uterus not baby] & its like funny in my head. IDk. It's hard to explain, you really just have to be in my head to understand which is like a lot of things when it comes to me. =/ Anywho I just made another ham & cheese bagel & on my way out of the kitchen I said goodnight out loud but he didn't respond so IDK.

Eh Awkward?

Ok so as I've said before me, my dad & my sister have recently gone on this silence spell. My dad has introduced mini conversation points like good morning, & I've allowed...hi's & byes. Small talk even when I'm in a good mood but since he has yet to mention the incident & probably never will I've pretty much just said screw it. We can be civil & say what needs to be said but I'm keeping my distance. Anyways tonight I was in the kitchen & my mom said goodnight to me when I was about to walk out the room & I didn't say anything to him because he didn't say anything to me but to me it was strange that no one said anything. Maybe I'm the only one that felt strange but who knows. To me this whole thing is just weird but at the same time I said I refuse to be the one to fix this situation & I'm sticking to my guns.

Milkshake Please

I want a milkshake dammit. Like I really really do. I'm thinking about going to juniors tomorrow to get the one but as for tonight I just might ask vampy to get me some ice cream or check the people on the corner to see if they make milkshakes. =/ I don't know if I'll be able to sleep without one =[ lol just kidding but I would love one right about now.

Spoke Too Soon

I feel like I keep setting myself of for a fucking fall. I'm not gonna go into detail cause I gotta get back to my studying so I'll just sum it up to this. Today I did something that I thought would be good but I guess I just should've stuck to the plan cause right now I'm sitting here feeling sad, annoyed & disappointed all in one. I really feel like he's just not that into fixing this shit the cause as always everything I say as a follow to it, a question diverting the positive, or a reason as to why it can't happen. It's like maybe in his mind there's something going on in there that I just can't see but from what I do see...there's a lot of apprehension where you really wouldn't expect to find it. Not now, not in this situation. *sigh* I'm not gonna kill my day with this, so after I type this I'm letting it go. I just know better for the future.

Holy Fishcakes

I can't believe they actually got the heat on. Cause I'm sitting here trying to figure out why it's so stuffy & why the hell I'm so hot so I go over to the heater and was shocked to feel actual heat coming out. Not like that thing they do where the heater is on but you have to like put your face to it, to actually feel it. This time I just place my hand in the area & could feel the actual heat coming out it. I actually have my fan on right now, it's just that warm in here. SMH. Lets see if this whole real heat thing last throughout the winter.

Wow

I thought it was a glitch or something but nope, I really have 130 something post...

Good Day

Ok so pretty much all of this weekend & up until yesterday I had been feeling utterly hopeless in our situation. I wanted space, I felt like I needed to get away. I felt like things would never get better & that I would always just be unhappy, but for the first time in a while I feel genuinely at ease. It's weird. Like I'm not saying that I don't still see the things we need to work on or that I'm not upset about the scrapes on my face but for some reason I got this feeling that I can't explain. It's like I don't feel completely hopeless at this moment. Like I had practically a great day today. Vamps & I finally got our official ultrasound where we got to actually see the baby not just look to check for an heartbeat. It was so cute he was in there twisting & turning & flipping around. It even looked like he waved at one point=]. Then after that we went to babiesrus & did our registry. Even though we had tiny disagreements and sad & depression moments, walking around and scanning all that stuff made it feel really family like. I was happy that I was able to share both of those experiences with vamps and at one point in there all I saw was us setting up all the crap we needed in a room in our place. His dreams being a reality and everything being semi fine. Thinking about it now it makes me nervous for some reason....I think maybe because I don't wanna get my hopes up but basically yesterday we kinda just agreed that we're going to take it one day at time. At the same time we're focusing on the big goal & I'm going to try and help him in some way shape in form. I sorta just rambled off away from the topic but um yea lol uh the ultrasound was just the best...we got four pictures & it's funny cause like if you look at them in order he's like doing a flip...which is even funnier cause we both was like the whole time it looked like he was trying to do a back flip lol he was just moving around so much. Even though today was suppose to be my space day, I ended up hanging out with vamps until about 8 something and then finally going home to do my assignment [the same one I practically fought for yesterday and still didn't finish] && studying for my test, which I'll probably end up doing in the morning since I doubt I'll have time to tonight. Then later I'm going to go check out our registry online [since vamps got a little gun happy] & see what we have, what we need, & what else I can add. Eh just for the fun of it. =].

Another Food Blog

So I made a bagel right but after taking my medicine and drinking two cups of milk I think, my stomach started to feel weird which sucks because I really thought that I wanted that bagel. I hope I can eat it cause if not that would be a waste of the last bagel here in the house at the moment.

P.S Booo now I have hard ham =[ Since I had to let it sit while my tummy felt better && it was a microwaved sandwich, the meat got all blah. It's still good though lol.

Food Challenge

I love when I'm watching those little cake challenges on foodnetwork && the people they have really suck. It's like if these were the best cake decorators you could find you seriously should've looked harder.

Grrr

Starting the day off irritated is never a good day but on some days it just seem inevitable. I'm pissed off right because of IDK why && it's annoying the hell out of me to have to deal with people who are not helping the situation at all. I feel like going back to bed and just starting all over again which I just might do. *sigh*

La Di Do Da Day

My WTF [term me && vamps use sometimes to refer to each other since we don't know WTF we are to each other right now] has abandoned me. I forgot where I was going with that but yea. He's at work or whatever and I'm here mad about the fact that I shall get no damn cinnamon rolls. =[

I Need A Solution

I haven't had sex in a week && of course by now I miss it but for some reason I just can't bring myself to do it. Maybe because me && vamps had two big fights, one on Friday && the other on Tuesday. They were really bad, && really close together. I think I'm having a hard time jumping into anything sexual since we're like in limbo in terms of what we are. Cause like I'll get into the mood for it but can't bring myself to go all the way. I guess in a way I feel like I shouldn't be doing much of anything with someone who hurt me the way he did. IDK what it is...maybe I'm trying to really focus on building a foundation that can actually last && afraid that if I go straight to sex then we'll end up in the same predicament as always. The one where we go from whatever to acting like we're a couple without actually being a couple, && since we really broke up this time I don't wanna fall back into that pattern. I don't wanna mess up this whole process of making things better. Blah I need to find some type of middle ground or something && soon.

Eating Well?

I feel like my eating habits have gone from bad to good to blah. When I first found out I was pregnant vamps had been sorta like my little health guru making sure I ate REAL meals, followed the food pyramid, cut down on snacks && IDK somehow I think I've slipped from that pattern. At first I was really, really paranoid with what I ate && did but now there are days where I feel like I'm eating the way I was pre-preggo. Which wasn't really eating, it was more of a snacking thing, like today for instance I've had three bowls of cereal, candy bar, and dried cereal. In a few I'm going to get some pizza on my way into the city && as for dinner IDK what I'm having. Sounds bad but like I said it's only some days cause yesterday I had waffles for breakfast, a slice of pizza, turkey sandwich && for dinner frozen pizza which still isn't good but at least I ate actual food when I was hungry. I think since I got over the paranoia of what I ate I became more lax in the situation but hopefully I can think of things to eat when I'm out thats well balance to a certain point.

Surprise

Ok so for those who don't know I had been using my sisters shuffle, that I got fixed for the past month I think until yesterday when me && her got into a retarded ass fight over the damn thing for the third time. Anyways that ended badly && left me without an mp3 player. That was until today. What happen today you might ask. Well today vamps gave me an ipod. =]. A better one than the one my sister had && it truly made my day. I feel a little bad though because it was supposed to be his but at the same time really happy that he thought about me && really did that. I'm also not use to this feeling...having somebody do a thing like this for me. It feels weird && nice all at the same time, but hopefully I can get use to this && enjoy it. On a side note though, it also works out because since my mom doesn't have to replace the shuffle she can get me a fall coat instead. That may sound a little selfish but I didn't mean for it to. Anyways thanks to vamps, I can once again block the people that get on my nerves on a daily basis. Yay! =]

Mindless Babbles

I've lost vamps...no idea where he went but I'm getting hungry && would kill for something sweet. I've got class in 2 hours && I still have to finish my homework or rather just re write the damn thing...no idea why it's taking me so long to do that. La di do da damn, yea as you can tell I'm starting to get bored && just a little tired. Add that to the minor heartburn I'm feeling && you've got yourself a rocking party...IDK. I had pizza earlier but didn't drink anything with it && when I went to school the soda machine only had cokes && I think diet sprite but all I really saw was coke. Not that it mattered since I didn't have any singles for the blasted thing. I think I wanna make chocolate cupcakes or something like that since we have cake batter in the house all I need is the frosting. No idea how to end this post since it really wasn't about anything so I guess I'll just stop talking [typing].

Well

I just felt like mentioning that I'm going to call Macys tomorrow to ask them if it makes any difference that I'm not in highschool anymore. Just so that I know I did everything in my power to see to it that I got that job, && if I still don't get it then I'll be able to curse them for being so stuck on only legal people.

OMG

This thing really just doesn't want to work right today....geez

It Never Ends

Ugh I hate my freakin age I just got a call from santa land the job I didn't think I could get... the job I was [&& still am] in love with but since I'm not 18 I can't work there. It makes no sense. This isn't rocket science && now the damn internet is messing up again. This is so freakin annoying. Now not only is the internet being mean to me but i am trying desperately to block out my sisters voice, hell I'm trying to imagine she isn't even here at the moment but like my father she is so loud in everything she does it's semi impossible at times. Grrr damn internet, come on I need the internet right now, I really do. Blah. Seven months && thirteen days. Just felt like writing that, it makes no difference since I would like to make the big changes happen before that but that is also around the amount of time before I can have a drink again. A little over 6 months unless munchkin decides to be late which I doubt. Anyways as you can tell I'm just rambling because I have nothing better to do while I wait for the internet to work. I really can't take much more of this...I'm really about to loose it.

!!!

Argh...I've been up for an hour trying to get on this con-blasted internet && it just refuses to freaking connect to the one that i need. I woke up at 5:30 literally screaming && clutching my tootsie roll pillow because of some retarded dream && just now this phone just went off because of an alarm && it damn near made me wet my panties. =[. I'm hungry btw, don't know if I should eat before falling asleep again or if I should let it be. I'll probably just get something to snack on so at least I don't wake up in a hungered fit. *sigh* I want something along the lines of hot chocolate since it's getting cold in here && since I didn't get it earlier because my peaceful day was interrupted by that incessant man I call a father && nimrod of sister. Put them two together && you've got one hell of an act. Anyways I'm gonna go get something to eat && then I'll probably take a nap && try to post this online when I wake up. Hopefully by then the internet is working.

Money is Money

If I work 40 hours a week at minimum wage ($7.15) flippin freakin burgers so to speak...I'll barely be able to pay my rent let alone utilities && then one day baby cost. I applied for a job at macys that pays 16.25 an hour but it's only seasonal so maybe three months doing that if i was actually lucky enough to get the job. If I saved the amount I made I'd probably be able to live for what three, four months tops. Maybe more, maybe less depending on the rent && deposit required. I know that when I transfer schools in January I'll be getting some extra money but that's then...I need money now. Blah...I can't believe I'm actually considering fast food.

Everything Seems A Little Clearer

I keep replaying everything that happen yesterday from the minute I woke up to the minute I got on the train at Brighton Beach.I keep looking at all the things that were different about yesterday, and all the ways our fights could've been avoided. I keep thinking if I had done this or hadn't gotten made at that, if he hadn't said this or went && did that then maybe yesterday could've moved along smoothly. That's my reasoning at the moment but I know while yesterday could've been fine the overall outcome of yesterday would have still happened. It just would have been on a different day, at a different time, in a different place, because of a different fight. He broke my chains, all three of them. My gold one, the dogtag I gave him, && even the cross he gave me that I actually sat there and fixed the first time he broke it && what makes that one worse it that some random dude walking down the street picked it up && took it. Sucks to know that I'll never see it or wear it again cause I actually really liked it. && I like the memory of the day I got it, there was nothing special about the day but still it was something about it that I just didn't want to forget but now the memory of how I got it will always be accompanied by the memory of how I lost it. Yesterday was definitely one of those days that usually I'd be wishing to erase but I guess I finally realized that every time I or we "erased" an incident or acted like what happen wasn't that big of deal, it wasn't fixing anything. We were just prolonging the inevitable. It's possible that we're just to different to be compatible or maybe, as crazy as it sounds, we could actually be right for each other. But that could also mean we only make sense together when we're friends. Before this happened yesterday we had been trying to work on the friendship we once had && I think the time apart will even give us a better shot at that. Whether we plan on working as friends or working on the relationship we once had or just working together as civilized parents, the time will in my opinion help. It'll give us both a chance to sit back and think about what we really want, && what we really deem possible. Like really sit back && think about everything, from a personal point of view, to a combined point of view, && even the other persons point of view. Don't get me wrong I'm still upset && it still hurts when I think about everything that happened but I guess that's what brought about this semi clearer mind. I'm sick of being hurt && I'm tired of crying all the time over stuff that could've been prevented. So I'm going to take my own advice for once && separate myself from the thing that's causing me pain.

Looking Back

So I was just reading my journal, you know the one that's in an actual book && um I was reading some of the entries. So what I found out is that all of the signs were there. In one entry I wrote :: I find myself constantly wishing that instead of moving on we could find a way to go back before we started to crack, or I could find a way to either put the pieces back together, or let go before we shatter completely. That was on the 22nd of August && like I said in my previous post since I don't know if this is the end I'm hoping this is the part where we let go before we completely shatter. Hopefully we haven't already lost it all.

IDK

He thinks I have this freakin dream of just like raising our kid all by myself but he doesn't know how much i just wish we could just be together, be happy again. How much I wish we could be a family or something. Just somehow make it better. I'm crying right now but it's not cause I feel like I lost him. It's cause I really hate that things turned out this way. I mean it's like we both agree it's for a reason but at the same time I hate that there's a reason at all. In a way I feel like I've lost my best friend && it just hurts. I wish we could just go back to April. I wish we could somehow go back && make time stand still. I also wish I knew how things were supposed to turn && if this is really the end of what we had. I wish I had the answers to all the questions in my mind && most of all I wish I could have just one more carefree night in his arms.

Blah

Everything this morning that I have decided I want to eat had decided to make me nauseous. I wanted to eat vampys lasagna keish (yes vamps that's what I'm calling it) but after getting the top off I just couldn't do it. Then I figured I just get cold cereal, like seriously what could go wrong with that? Apparently a lot since the minute i set the milk on the counter the idea of cereal made my stomach turn. Even now as I sit here eating a freakin special k bar just to have something in my stomach I am literally having to hold my breath && ignore the taste just to get down all of maybe five bites of the thing. So far I've had three && I'm ready to stop. I'm just going to drink some milk, lay down && try again later. New plan. I made muffins so I'm going to try & eat one then I'm going to lay down && wait for later so I can eat something more.

Random

I must admit I find people mildly retarded. Why? Because someone actually left a nice sized puddle of water in the freakin microwave plate so that when I went to put my sandwich in it got wet =[ && nobody likes a soggy sandwich. Well hopefully nobody does. =/ Since I'm on the subject of sandwiches...vampy brought me sandwich with turkey && some spicey cheese that I forgot the name of but it was really good. I kinda wish I had more but I don't cause together we ate it all, so I guess the turkey & swiss I got next to me will just have to do the job. Oh && last but not least, you know those wontons I've been fienin for? Well I got them today && about two seconds after I shoved it in my mouth I wanted them as far away from me as possible. =[ SMH. Anyways that's all I really had to say so um I'm gonna go eat my food && then go to bed. Night.

Listeria

Ok so for some reason I've recently become addicted to sandwiches. Mainly because they're extremely convenient && well tasty. The only problem is, is that right now I'm not supposed to have mayonnaise && I'm not supposed to have deli meat unless it's heated to steaming because it has a bacteria on it called Listeria that could be harmful to me & possibly the baby. Just today I've decided not to have ANY mayonnaise on my sandwiches, but for some reason unless I'm having a hot sandwich from the oven I never remember to heat the meat. So um not only am I a little freaked but I am also disappointed in myself because I keep forgetting. Anyways half way through the sandwich I just made I remembered && then went to heat in the microwave so it's still quick && easy && doesn't require any time. That should make this whole meat thing a whole lot easier.

Note To Self

Stop acting like he's dead!! Yea I said it && what. STFU already geez. All day you've been all mopy & what not & for what. Yes this is a sad time but you're acting like you're never going to see him again when you know that's not the case. He said it him self, you can see him when you need to, hell you could've written him an email today if you wanted to, you just chose not to. && last but not least you're gonna see him next wednesday unless he decides he doesn't want to come to the dr appointments anymore but IDK why he wouldn't especially this one. Eh anyways do yourself a favor and take a deep breathe. Like I said it's ok to be upset but stop acting like he's dead or he up && ran away or something cause it's driving me crazy.

Sleep Tight?

I'm sleeping in his clothes tonight. Why? The reason is top secret && doesn't need to be known by anyone other than me =] Just kidding. It makes me feel like he's still apart of me, like I haven't completely lost him. Yea it makes me a little sad to know I just put on his boxers but I haven't seen or spoke to him all day. * A first btw since the day we started going out* It even makes me almost cry knowing that I'm wearing them just to feel close to him. Wrapped in his shirt I feel like I'll sleep a little better than I would wearing my own clothes.

Side Note

I hate eating ice cream when I'm depressed. Makes me feel like a fatass who's trying to drown their sorrow in food. =/ Which sucks cause I have cookie dough ice cream in the fridge since Thursday that I never ate && now I feel like I can't =[

Depressed

I can't believe how upset I am, I just can't stop crying3 no matter how much I tell myself that I did the right thing. I can't make sense of the situation to save my life. I just can't handle this, it's just so unfair.

Sometimes

I feel like mistakes are a figment of the imagination. That they just don't exist. No matter how much I wanna look back and feel bad about some of the decision I made && say that one was a mistake, I just can't. Or better yet it makes no sense to. Why? Because when I made the decision to do it or go along with someone else it's what I chose to do. I had to have wanted to do it to some extent for whatever reason or I would have walked away. I'm well aware of the issue I have when it comes to control && pleasing people so if I was to say anything is a mistake it would be the fact that I'm not stronger. Mentally speaking, I sometime lack the ability to live with the fact that I'm letting people I care about down.

Blah

I feel like I should've gone outside tonight. LIke right now I feel like hopping on the train and just going for a long ass ride. Shit, I might just go upstate tomorrow for the ride...&& the wontons =]. I wish I could get my nails done but I don't think the fumes are safe right now && I don't have enough money to do retail therapy. Getting my hair done would be great for me right now but since I have braids it sorta out of the question right now. I would love, love, love to go out && drink right about now but that's not even close to being an option right now. Maybe a nice hot bath or something like that.

I Want More Naruto

I just finished reading the final available chapter of Naruto Shippuden=[ Yes, I'm actually disappointed because it was getting really good dammit. I, once again, have turned into a crazed Naruto fan waiting for the next chapter to come out. Blah. Now I actually may read the beginning ones or watch the Shippuden episodes. IDK.

Choices

Choices you make in life are just that choices. There's really no way of knowing if they were right unless you can somehow go back and choose the other path && still I sometimes wonder if my were even half right. I think it's my conviction that everyone has some good in them and that no one ever means to really hurt people that keeps me falling. I feel like I'm that little girl again that just wants everyone to be happy && just realized that she can't do it. Anyways the choices I've made have been random && maybe downright stupid but at this moment, I once again have the chance to made my mistake history look a little better. I just don't know if I can actually do it.

Ugh

I don't know why but I couldn't hate him fully. Like I know I'm mad at him, and I know he knows that he fucked up big time but tonight in the middle of all that I couldn't turn off that little switch that cares about his well being. I don't know what that means but I do know that my insides are a complete mix of feelings && thoughts just intertwining into one big mess of crap.

Maybe

So I'm sitting here alone on a Friday night. Why? Mainly because I decided to make dinner && do laundry but also because somewhere in there me && vamps got into what you could call a fight but I'm just gonna call it a crack in the bridge. Tonight wasn't the first time vamps temper had ever gotten outta hand but it was one of the worse. Resulting in my dad coming out && eventually talking to vamps, of course he only knows half of the story but yea. Today is a day that I wish I could just re do but then again maybe it was just for the best, maybe this was meant to happen. Maybe whatever happens next just needs to happen. Then again maybe this all could've been prevented, nobody knows which one should've happen, all we know is what did happen && all thats left now is to see what happens next.