I

I just want everything to be right.
Better than what we were.
Better than before.
I want to see our change.
I just want to stop the pain.
I just want to feel whole again.
Secure again.
Like nothing can break my happiness.
I just want to feel certain.
I just want to feel loved.
I just wanna feel you care.
I need to know you won't lie to me.
I have to know I can trust you.
I need to know you'll never cause me harm.
I just want to be in your arms.
I just want to make it by each day.
I just want to be ok.


Random
©2008

Translation Please

Trying to decode vampy is by far one of the hardest things ever. I swear never have I met someone so simple that was so complicated. Dude's a walking oxymoron. He keeps saying that he's simple to please && at time he is but sometimes he goes into this weird mode where not only is it impossible to get through to him but impossible to please him. I'll literally go through the conversation 4 or 5 times trying to get a positive outcome but its like very rare that it'll happen if he's like that. Its funny though cause when we have conversations like that it's either after an argument or borderline. Meaning that if I don't proceed with caution I'm gonna be standing there with allen wishing I was somewhere else. I think I'm gonna call that his mine field. Simple concept. Extremly difficult to get through but still possible if careful.

Damn You Batman To Hell

I wish vampy was in my bed right now && yes this time I mean that in a naughty way. I want him here now dammit. I can't even get online to see if he's on messenger. Hell I can't even post this cause my internet just died. SMH. I've been on the damn thing all night but as soon as I wanna try && contact vamps it dies down. You know what I have to say to that? Blah. Just freakin Blah.

It's Raining, It's Pouring

All I need is an old fat ass snoring && I'd be good. I'm actually sitting in the lunchroom watching it rain then pour then drizzle && then repeat. It's quite entertaining I must say. Cool I just saw lightening =].

Day 2

Thinking about going to my school today to hand in my financial aid. Don't really wanna go at this alone but hey what choice do I have. It gives me something to do at least. My original thought was to just stay home && rest but I forgot my mom took of two days from work && that my grams is here. I walked in last nite after seeing vamps && everything was fine but when I saw here it reminded me why I was mad in the first place. I feel like the worse person ever cause I'm considering the idea of choosing my heart over what's right. This morning I was starting to think that if I moved out I wouldn't feel this way all the time. Which is probably true but first I gotta get over the mini anxiety I'm having over vamps right now.

Day 1

So the initial plan was to come to work today && block out all depressing thought but since the minute I walked in I haven't really been able to stop crying. I swear the only thing I want right now is to talk to vampy. I hate the fact that that's all I want. I can't believe I'm actually upset right now. The relationship I had last summer ended when I heard my b.f having sex with someone else. I didn't even wince for a second. This dude steals && lies to my face && I can't bring myself to let go. LIke for all I know one Wednesday he can come up to me && be like I don't want to do this anymore but I don't think I want that. I want us to be happy again. I hate any of this ever happen. I just wanna be with him. I've been crying so much and all I want is for him to hold me && make it all better.....I don't know what else to say right now.

A Little More

He's just always been so nice && sweet to me I can't imagine what would make him do this. I can come up with a list of the things he does that make me love him but what if they were all a lie. Do I care? Probably not. As long as when he says he loves me its nothing but the truth his whole life could be a lie. Do I really mean that?? IDK. I don't know much of anything anymore. I can't separate real from fake right now. My head && my heart have NEVER been so damn conflicted.

It's Official

A little update is that today I got the much needed evidence that vamps is the one who did it. He won't admit to it but at the same time I saw all I needed. You would think that right now I would have taken the thing && ran home waving it around && called the cops as he suggested I do but instead, i sit here hurting, trying to figure out why but more so because we're officially on a break. Just thinking about it makes my eyes water. No scratch that cry. I feel so alone right, even though like on one hand this is a good thing I guess. The time apart will hopefully help with the on going confusion I've been having about vamps. I mean after all thats happen in the past few days I still want to be with him I just don't know if I can.

Untitled

I'm tired of being depressed. Sick of being let down. I guess in the back of my mind I should've known that my happiness was false && that nothing as good as whats been going on for the past few months could actually be for real. I feel like pieces are falling off all around me && its only a matter of time before I collapse. There really is no point in being upset, definitely no point in crying. Only thing left to do now is sit back && wait for the damage to happen.

Just Thinking *Little Bit of A Rant*

I was in the process of deleting names from my buddy list when I was just thinking of making a whole new one, I mean who important is actually on my old one? Exactly no one...I figure anyone who matters will eventually get the new one but thats not what this post is about. I saw that I had blocked the s.n of my ex && thought about how I treated him. I find tit funny && fucked up how much he would whine about spending time with me && how I pretty much just looked at him like eh. He wasn't my only bf at the time && the way he acted only made it worse I mean he was sweet but he was lazy && annoying && kinda selfish when it came to his priorities. But still this isn't what the post is abt. I been sitting here talking to vamps thinking if he would really screw me over && as much as I wanna get mad I really can't since A. I treat him like crap at times. && B. Since I believe in karma, the way I treated my last few bfs, or w.e ones in between the dudes that didn't screw me, wasn't really the best. Its like all my relationships have been a race to who can screw the other over first. Who can hurt the other in the most creative way. Thats terrible to say I know & I don't mean to say I never cared about the dudes I've been with. Going back to vamps. I really care about him so much sometimes it hurts. I thought I loved him. I think I love him. No I knew I loved him. Now I'm questioning if I even know what love is. I wish I could tell vamps all the things that differ from the relationships I've had in the past but I feel like it would only make things worse. Especially if I brought up the little somewhat "fact" that I've never been in a "exclusive" relationship. Each one always had extras from outside people. If i was to tell him that I've never ever cheated on him not even came close to it, that I managed to stop myself from what just feels natural to me. He would NEVER believe me. Definitely not after what happen last weekend. [yes he finally told me what I did] That was just beyond, beyond. I'm going to leave it at that. SMH. I've changed a lot being with vamps, even if it's not the way he would've wanted me to. I can see I did && knowing that I can almost promise that, that change will shatter the minute I walk away from vamps, atleast for a little while, shows me, if no one else, that I care about vamps. Rite now I'm just a little confused on the love thing. Like I said by my definition I do. Don't know If I want to but I do.

Bitter Fucking Sweet

Right now as I sit here really about to cry I just feel like the end of my so called happy life is near. Today one of the biggest coincidences ever happen. Today vamps got money from his "boss" && found out that he was going to be getting his laptop tomorrow. So we went to the Nintendo store && he took me to the movies. During the movie I found out that my Grandmas house was broken into && guess what got taken?? Yep her laptop (same exact one that vamps is pose to be getting) money && other things. By the end of the day I was beginning to think this was no coincidence. I just felt like he knew to much, that it just fit together to damn well. Fucked up right. That I would think my boyfriend would steal from my family. So I shook the thoughts outta my mind && let it go until we was on the train && he gave me a hard time when I tried to look into his bag && I saw a wire from a laptop. I started crying knowing I was going to have to break up with him but still I tried to let it go but then when I couldn't hold it in any longer I told him what I was thinking for the second time, he mentioned something to me about not being able to get into my grams house because he has no key so when I got home I checked && the key is gone =[ I swear it's just not fucking fair. If he really did do this to me then I I don't know why && actually really do think I love him. && if it's for real then IDK what the hell I'm supposed to do. This can't be for real. Please don't let this be for real. I don't wanna lose vampy. I don't wanna lose everything that I feel I've gained in the last few months but if I can't trust what my boyfriend tells me && if my gut is telling me that things are only going to get worse maybe we should just take a break. I've been stable for so long with him tho, vampys been soo good to me I just don't understand why. I can't understand why.

Home Again...

So I'm back home again after a weekend away upstate && boy must I say I did not miss this place. Being away just made me realize how much I can't wait to start school && move out. How much I wanna be independent && after two years of waiting I just may get my chance. This week I'm suppose to register for classes, file for a student loan && go to the school to look at the apartment listings they have available. I need to get a job in the next few weeks && maybe even apply for government aid. All this before September 3 because right now my one && only goal is to move out. Getting into school was the first step. Everything else I just said is the 2nd 3rd 4th && how many ever other things I said.

Grrr

So it's August 3 and after what was suppose to be "My Weekend" I'm sitting in freakin White Plains waiting for nothing I guess. I don't wanna say for the day to be over but I will say for the day to pick up. This weekend was suppose to be anything I want which should of been one happy as weekend but as usual whenever a day is granted to me nothing really turns out the way I want it. Thursday was cool, the night was good even though I woke up with a minor hangover and then had to get up and still go to work. I made it through work without passing out && then met up with vampy who had been oh so sweet to me the past two days. He had got the food && the drinks so all was left to da was to go back and relax. Only problem in that was that vamps was drunk && I was depressed so I ain't really feel like drinking but at the same time didn't want to kill vampys buzz. So I tried hard to find a medium but it didn't really work to well. Lucky for me he didn't seem to mind && said he understood. So we made it all the way back without any problems until we got out the cab && I caught a titty attack over 2 dollars. wow right. 2 little fucking dollars caused the downward spiral that became my Friday night. What had happen was we ran into his "favorite" cab driver. && me being tired, hungry && depressed just handed vamps the exact fare but he was like I'm not gonna give him a tip. Of course that should've clicked in my head before giving him the money since they were talking about how he always gives good tips. Not that I was really paying attention cause like I said all I wanted to was go back to the room && get my mood up. So me being little miss bitchy hops out of the care after he pays && starts to walk off. Even after he was being nice && trying to explain && maybe even apologize I wanna stay in crap mode && blow him off. SMH still after that when I finally show up at the door he asks me if I want him to go get my soda. *sigh* the more I write this the more like crap I feel. Anyways we ended up getting into a fight that resulted in me getting both my wrist hurt && him walking out. Me, crying && pacing && then running out to find him. I find him && he comes back with me but he's still mad. So that led to me trying to get him to talk to me && when that failed I turned to the drink that he made me. Then to the bottle on the table. && then to my own concoction of a drink that may have been a bit to strong. Meanwhile *lol* in the bathroom vamps was drinking just as much if not more than me. After feeling a little better we managed to patch things up enough but one thing led to another && yea lets just say more drinks equal less memory. Just like the night before I blacked out. Only difference is when I woke up vampy was mad at me && I literally had no clue why because the last thing I remember we was doing something that would make BamBam happy....=/
But anyways Saturday pretty much consisted of me getting over my hangover && vampy being vampy. Things didn't turn out the way I saw them on that day either but oh well. Today is a new day. Vampy is happy so I'm not gonna dwell on stuff I can't remember or the things I can't change.