50 Bucks

ok so after what seems like a months worth of shopping i have exactly 50 bucks left iin my pocket. I dont know what i want to do with it. I'm thinking get my naiils done but i really want a pair of boots. My sister says buy jeans but what can i really get with 50 bucks. The sneakers i want cost 15 dollars more than i have and i dont wanna weasel into anyones pocket until after the new year has arrive =]. I know if i do my nails my mom is gonna say i wasted the money but what else is there. I guess i could find something with all these holiday sales going on around me but yea. I don't know. I could just keep it but what a waste that would be. This is so hard. =[...i really want those shoes...

So its finally over[[Almost]]

I don't kno iif i should do backflips or take these last hours of 2007 to see if i can build a freakiin tiime machiine. Not because i want to revisit some of the oh so fabulous times of 07 but because i want to go back and redo most iif not all of them. This year past is like a blur siince i dont remember much of any of it and the parts i do remember feel like it happen a minute ago not a few months ago. Don't get me wrong there were some happy moments thrown in there but for the most part i feel like i screwed the year away [not literally]

O so nauseous. I hate this feeling, I hate laying in my bed with a headache and a tummy ache n no way to stop it. It wont go aawwaaayyy =(. *sigh* I’ve got way to much junk food in my room, I’m actually craving broccoli. Man I would love some right now, now that I think of. Again freakiin sigh. oOo that and shrimp scampi. Haven’t had that in years, kinda miss it. Hell really miss it lol. And no I don’t know how to make it or where to find it. I just know my daddy use to bring it home from Pathmark but I don’t think they make it anymore. Son of a biscuit. (the people not my dad). =)

Hehehe I think I’m being a tad bit bitchy today. Just dismissed the third person I think of the day. Its like every little thing about everybody is bothering me and Im jus not in the mood to deal with all these peoples crap. Crap. That last call just gave me a headache. Aww man. I don’t want to be alone right now but I think if I answer the phone for anymore people im going to do some major damage. YAY my internets working again.

=/

ugh i cant even think of where to start. My head hurts, im hungry and im naseous. Im in my room with a freakiin barkiin dog dropped off my my father. Who by the way didn't even bother to knock on the freakiin door before bustiin in not once but twice. Is there no freakiin common sense there. I mean come on. I couldve been naked =(. I dont kno what to do with myself anymore. I so wanna just go outside but upon request of my bf im home doiin nothin. Why you ask. Why would he ask me to stay here and stare at the freakiin walls. Umm because he says that i'm not allowed to chill with dudes. ALLOWED? wtf since when do i need permission to have friends. But its cool cus ima let him have that one....or atleast ima let him think he does. He's gonna say I'm being selfish by getting mad cause i wanted him to atleast think abt chilliin wit me when he got out of class instead of going home to sleep. He can sleep at night like any other tired person cus if he gon give me limits on how much i go out and stuff then he's gonna b my entertainment. Selfish? Maybe but who the hell cares. I know i dont. He's home sleep while im tryin to decide if im really gonna waste my saturday in this freakiin room. uh im goiin to sleep on it. so yea

Somethings Are Better Left Unsaid

Ok so in less than an hour I managed to cause a even bigger rip in my family. What use to be temporary solitude and a few arguments between members has now somehow managed to turn into my sister leaving and me getting my own room. I should be happy since its what i always wanted but Im not. I hate that it had to happen this way and i feel like an ungrateful bitch. All I wanted was to get a pair of headphones so i could listen to music and somehow that led to me n my sister gettin into an argument about how she uses my bed as storage which led to me tellin my mom that its not fair im the only one who has to be put out or inconvienced. I had been alternating between sharing a room with my mom and sharing a room with my sister for forever and now its so solem here. I feel horrible, but idk.Don't get me wrong I'm happy I have a home and im happy every ones alive but what i said earlier i only said because of emotions, SUre it was the truth but still...I feel like everything is falling apart and its ALL my fault.

Friday Night

Ok so its like 8 oclock and instead of beiin at the movies with my baby (like im pose 2 b) im here at home on this computer all by my lonesome. Well bubbas here but he dont count. I feel like a damn spintster or spencer or whatever it is u call those lonely old people who sit at home with nothiin 2 do n nowwhere to freakkin go. UGH. n to top it off im eatiin noodles. of all things noddles thats like the icing on the cake to me. speaking of cake i wiish i had one of those betty crocker microwavable cake thingees...they would b so good rite now. =/ anyways i dont even kno y beiin home rite now is botheriin me so much. but it is. I dont kno what to do with myself 4 some reason im bounciin off the damn walls. IF only. If only wat? See i dont even kno what i want i just kno that i want somethiin n i want that somethin now!

Its Time

ok so last night or this morning rather i was on the phone and realized that i am really unfair to females. I tend to right off the bat decide that they are back stabbing bitches and i think that i should stop. I think it'd be good to learn how to socialize with people of the same sex since i seem to only know how to socialize with people of the opposite sex. Which isnt a bad thing but i dont think im gonna get to far in life if i cant even sit down and have a simple conversation with a lady. As of today August uh 23 im goiin to change that. This little experiment...so to speak...i think will help me.

The Post Go Up...

but my perserverance goes down. I swear it shouldn't be this way. I shouldnt have to sit around like this cryiin or feelin like i've been slighted. I repeat you do not have the right to jerk me around anymore...but then again i dont have the right to feel or atleast express my feeliings anymore either...but then again when have i EVER cared about whether or not i should b sayiin something. Uh how about always. Right well in that case...i guess as of now i dont give a shit cus i just said a whole lot and then some. Probably shouldn't have but im sick of holding that in. He should know when he's fuckiin up or fuckkiin with me. Why should he get any special damn treatment?? Exactly he shouldn't. He's messed with me and played with me for months and ive let him. But no more. Thinking about myself for once...still hurts though. DAMN.

Stronger

I wish i was stronger and had the nerves to do all the things that are going through my head. Today was judgement day for me and i guess i got hella lucky since my life doesn't have to change. I know J will be relieved but at the same time i don't know if i am...I mean with all the stuff we've been faced with in the last couple of days you'd think J would have been a little more helpful and not so damn selfish. But at the same time i have to know when to walk away from a situation thats no longer good for me. I still feel sick which means i have to go to the doctor...i really don't want to know what they come up with...im so scared. But i can't run forever right. Gotta stop some time....

So Shitty

So im feeling less than lovely right now...already this is turnin into the worst week of the summer...when it was suppose to be the best. *sigh* So far i've been called more names than i can count and cursed out more so called friends then i can remeber. I am now about to start all over and find new friends. Since I SERIOUSLY need some. The ones i have now suck balls big time and i see no freakin point in holding on to them. Except for maybe one or two. They all want one thing and I refuse to give that up but then again....uhh i think i need to have a little talk with a certain someone before i make any serious decisions. I'm trying to have a positive out look on this entire situation but yea you can't lie to myself when the facts are right in my face. No point in holding on to bull shiters and fuck faces. Anyway the week aint over but i highly doubt it will get ANY better.

This morning or afternoon rather i felt as if my life is crashing around me again...i feel like theres no point in takin another step forward since it hurts each time. I miss the days when i felt like things were getting better and i was making progress but now im starting to think that i will forever be stuck in the pain of my past. Reminded each time of the mistakes ive made and stupid things ive done. Everyday i wish I could go back and change things... fix things or just skip things all together. I dont even know what to feel anymore. Should i be disappointed since i never get what i want or mad that i seem to dig myself a deeper hole everytime i try to fix myself. I'm missin my numbness. But ever since you came back into my life i cant seem to get numb anymore. You bring out so much of my past since you was such a big part of it. I miss it sometimes and i kno u do to. But i'm starting to get attached to you and that i jus cant do. If i fall for you what will i be left with. Nothing right? So whats best for me to do? Walk away ofcourse and cut all ties. Simply put but i cant. We've both tried and you always come back. I had finally got used to not talkin to you and i had finally got on with my life and was happy with how things were goin. But now its like we never took a break or anything. Youre like my best friend but you cant play with me like this, you cant give me a inch and then pull it away. I like us as friends but i know it wont stay that way. But if it changes can i really keep my cool. Probably not.

Damn

I came so freakiin close to breakin up with my boyfriend today that i could hear the words rolling off my tongue. I DIDNT want to but i thought that if I did it before anybody feelings got hurt it'd be better. I took a moment to calm myself and think about why i was about to do what i thought i was about to do. I found out that my only reason was cause i was being spoiled n childish. Being extremely annoyed with dropping people before giving them a chance, i decided to talk it out with him. HA you heard that. I actually yelled at someone about what was bothering me at the EXACT moment it was bugging me. *big smiles*

Uh Yea

I want to say i had a somewhat emotional breakdown last night but i dont even know if thats what you would call that thingy i had...I somehow manage to blurt out once again all the things i had kept burried over the past couple of months when i started building my wall. My wall seperates me from my emotions i guess you could say last night a big ass earthquake shook it loose. Back to square one. Or rather brick one...get it haha =/ anyway...my mom has granted me a night away to clear my head and do what it is i have to do so tonight i am suppose 2 be spending my night with J, even though J cant be found at the moment, Im sure they wouldn't let me down. Uh voices sayiin that im not all that sure that im actually getting a little shifty that i cant reach him...im not pose 2 b there till 10 but still...still. My head hurts and i think im getting sick *thumbs up* whoo hoo!! yea! [um 4 u slow ones im beiin sarcastic- just in case you haven't caught on]...being sick is not what i need right now, im tired enough as it is without addin a freakiin virus to the mix. ....

Best Summer Ever

I started this on May 30th but kinda forgot about it so ill finish it today....um yea, best summer ever lets see, so far it is not the best summer ever but i got the best boyfriend ever[as of now anyway]...I did something on Friday that i NEVER thought i could do, I spent the night out and it was the greatest. Im goiin for a replay this Friday but i dont know if im goiing to be able to pull it off twice in a row so i dont know, maybe im pushing my luck. I dont know what else to write so ill be back later.

Its dark n cold where i walk alone. A hollow plain where no one cares. Push to the edge and hangin by a thread. I give in to the pain that eats at me. No longer a prisoner to what im not. No longer burnin slowly to one day die. Slow. Internal. Painful. Demise.
-Infamous-
(ME)

ok so im back on my gotta move thing and now more than ever. I woke up this morning and realized i have ABSOLUTELY nothing to stick around for. I feel like im trapped or maybe i just want to leave so bad that its overpowering my sense of reality. The part that tells me whats obtainable and whats not. Moving out by myself at 16 is hardly obtainable and i wont be leaving for college until next year. I've got a year with these people. The ones that claim to understand but really don't. Im nothing like them and for some reason they cant seem to take that as it is and leave it. They wanna change me and fix me. They're trying to bring me to what they are. But its useless, cus i see what they are and i hate it. each n everyone of them. I hate their lives and what they stand for. They're weak and content with the mediocrity that is their lives. Wanting to go farther but stuck in time letting others pull them back. I understand their reasons for doing so...so dont get me wrong. I just can't see myself doing this. I need to be free. Alone in my world. Alone in the world. I really see no difference.

Enjoy me while you can

Cause come Saturday I am either gonna be EXTREMELY depressed or stressed.

Black is SO yesterday

lol just playin....but i am sick of the color...my birthday is in about 4weeks and i think im going to dye my hair the weekend before it comes. I've been wanting to this since last year sometime but couldn't pick a color. Last night after months of searching I think Ive come close to what i want.

I want somthing just like that. I love that color...its THE perfect mix between brown n red. Now all I gotta do is find that it.

Age Issues

So i wanted to take the next five weeks and dedicate them to getting in shape for the summer. At first i was just going to change my eating but then i decided i wanted to put some more into it so i was gonna go runnin. I told my mom this n me n my sister had had a previous plan to go running but it would b when she got out a school. problem is i get out of school at five n i dont get home till like seven which isnt to late but by then im tired n its kind of cold but i guess if i wanna run i have no choice. I was gonna go running in the morning before i left for school but my mom all of sudden decides that its way to early n its 2 dark out to go running at 5 somethin n the mornin. yea so its dark out n whatever but thats not my fault. I didnt ask for the sun to come up after six. I have to be out this door n on my way to school by 650 the latest so i guess i would have to be back in my house by 600 meaning i could leave n go running at 530. 530...thats not that bad. I think the sun comes up around that time. right? no? maybe, iono. My point in this rant is that whenever i get in the mood to take a few steps forward theres a age barrier that pushes me three steps back

I Miss My Baby

Its been 6days since ive seen or heard from my baby but it seems like much longer. I can't stand the fact that i can't see him everyday...even tho i know he thinks of me it still sucks. =(

I want OUT!

its official my tolerance is drawing thin and i cab no longer manage live in this house with these people. I need to get out and i need to get away from everything that is in this neighborhood, this apt. I wish i could leave and go to a whole new state but i cant..since it requires a car which i dont have. My mom is being real difficult about giving up her rights 2 me so now its on to plan B. A plan that actually just hit me as i was typing. She says i need credit and that i would need to have been working at a job for about a year, none of which i have but i know someone that does. My sister has been working at Radio Shack since about September/November i think...she has a credit card and she pays her bill on time. I'm thinking its time for me to stop being so stuborn and ask for help, Im going to ask her if she would consider putting an apt in her name.....since my moms credit sucks.....and ill pay for it. She might say no but atleast I tried right? right. I mean to go thru a whole emancipation whould b time consuming and by the time i could prove everything to my mom and the court id b seventeen and graduating so y bother. This i could have done by January if she agrees. I would have a job by then...I would have saved up by then...I hate to doubt myself but i really hope i can make this happen even if only for a little while.