Ok this sucks.

I can't find my boyfriend =[. I was suppose to meet him at like 7 i think but since I over slept Idk where he is. He hasn't wrote me or emailed me or anything. I don't know if he even went home last night. I hate this feeling of not knowing if he's even ok. It's making me a little depressed.

Um...

I feel like shit right now if anyone cares. Why? Because It seems like I'm just forever wrong. No matter what I do thats right, I'm somehow simultaneously doing something else that's wrong. For the first time in a long time I'm actually putting myself on the line to the point where my heart actually hurts && my self esteem gets battered. Doesn't take much to do either since I'm practically trying like alls hell to figure out of this freakin maze called a relationship. Tryna figure out how to show I care but I guess I'm doing that wrong. I guess I show it too much. I guess I want to feel it too much. I guess I just want too much. I must be putting to much pressure on the situation by trying to open the chains. I guess I need to slow down a bit. Maybe that will get the flow of my emotions under control. Never thought I'd have to pull back on how I feel. *sigh* Not only that but I also have to figure out how to bend to make things work without completely losing myself in the process. Another prime example of how wrong I am. I have to do a freaking reconstruction on my mentality before me && vamps break up. Or worse, my inner being is completely crushed. SMH. Never had someone shove my mistakes in my face so much. It hurts I'll tell you that much, but I guess that's my fault for opening up to him. For thinking he was exempt from average human behavior. Its days like this that make me wonder is there even a point in sticking around. Yea I love him && care about him a lot but is any of it really worth it? Of course I won't know the answer to that until further down the line but yea....damn I feel like slicing my wrist && screaming off the top of a building from the pain. Watch the blood drip down && then call it a day.

Tears Mark the End

So today wasn't too bad of a day. I chilled with vampy from about 12 until a few minutes ago. We was watching Naruto && playing games && what not but even with a day filled with laughs it ended in tears. I got iinto a mini fight with vamps but then to make matters worse my mom started talking about the same stuff...second guessing my relationship with my boyfriend. Making me want to disappear. Idk it just kinda hurt that something that makes me so happy she was saying was all a fake. To me, as dumb as I may sound writing this, even if it is all wrong right now it's sorta right. He makes me happy, sure the situation isn't perfect && I feel bad not getting into this more, like having him call to check up on things more often but he's trying. It's just that I feel like if I push him on it, it'll mess up our fun. Hate to be a kill joy. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm actually getting a headache because of this, a stress headache at that.

Retake

So maybe I was wrong. Sucks don't it to have to sit there && admit to the fact that you didn't something semi fucked up. Especially to a person that actually means something. To me it makes it ten times worse because If i fucked up to the point where I made them mad or hurt them. Coming out and acknowledging it makes me feel like the worse person ever. I don't know maybe I'm backwards for that. I always hated apologizing...especially if it's a constant occurrence. I mean he said it himself sorry only works for so long && I can only agree with it. So if that's the case why the freak do I keep screwing up?

The Answer is No...

Except for when things are based around what goes on in my head. Apparently then the answer is always yes. Yes this, yes that, sure why the hell not everything. Even if I really don't want to do something it's very rare that I will actually let that be known unless it's something general (not a specific request) like walking ten blocks when I'm tired or just feeling lazy. I don't want to do it && 9 times outta 10 I let that be known. For some reason though whenever I do sit there and be like no or maybe later, that's the moment people remember. Cause then I'm just wrong for not doing it && whatever reason it is I choose not to isn't valid. This ISN'T a stab at anyone in particular so don't take it the wrong way. I'm just mad at myself that I can never be the one to say no && annoyed that even though I try to please everyone my short comings are always getting in the way of it.

Bad Nerves

My nerves are wearing extremely thin. I'm at the breaking point where I just really wanna get up && literally runaway. Write my mom a nice little letter && get on with my life because this isn't freakin workin. I'm so sick of being constantly questioned about the same damn thing. I'm so sick of the fact that every time I feel a little bit of happy && I feel a little bit relaxed it gets pulled back under. I don't know what to do anymore because even though the solution seemed obvious yesterday I see that that's only gonna cause me more stress. This needs to be done a little more under the radar. *sigh* I just wolfed down a burger that left a bad taste in my mouth. Ew. I guess I should go do my hair so I can go to bed sometime tonight.

Too Freakin Everything

It's too freakin hot...I'm too freakin full of liquids && there's too much freakin sand in my bed, in my clothes && in my shoes. Still?? Yes still. It's like as soon as I get it out I end up getting more. Like I like the heat cause it makes for really nice/sweet nights but at the same time when I walk away from vampy I have to go home to my hot ass room && try && rest. Like right now I'm naked with not one but two fans blowing warm air on me. && this is how I might just stay && since my hair is annoying the hell outta me I'm going short on Wednesday. Give or take. Aw man I feel like I'm gonna really blow chunks right now. Anyway tomorrow I might go to my grams for a few nights depending on my mood.

Sand In My Pants

I've got sand in places sand should never be dammit. In my hair, in my shoes, in my pants, socks...bra. Yea I got sand in my freakin bra but I will spare you the details of how it all got there. Bad enough I gotta come home && de-sand but I get here && my sister has taken over my computer. Then has the nerve to ask why I get upset when you uses it. I'm like duh cause A. you have a computer && B. It's MY computer. MIne! mine. mine. mine. mine. mine. && yea so what that sounds freakin selfish but I don't freakin care because I found out the other day that my sister got a summer job. Even though my mom filled out the application && I brought the damn thing in...none of that matters. SMH && now she's using my phone. I swear I'm about to become an ultra bitch cause being nice is getting me nothing but a headache. Shit. I even have sand under my nails. Ew. I just bit some. && this just in. Apparently I just hurt my mothers feeling. Not on purpose though. Never on purpose. I guess she just doesn't like the way I hold conversations even though she sort of asked for it since she came in my room first complaining about the fact that I had no panties on. Then made a few comments about vampy. Had the nerve to actually sit there and say we don't argue && then went back to the infamous incident on May 29th. The one day I am trying like alls hell to forget && the one situation that I'm tryna cope with && vampy is tryna fix she just has to bring up && pick at. I'm rude && disrespectful right? Well if that's the truth then it's only cause I'm sick of fighting. I try to agree with you so that things go smoothly but for what if you still find something to get mad about. You say the littlest comment && I let them piss me off. I need a new coping plan && I am so happy that vampy is bringing me drinks tomorrow. I just wish I woulda got more.

*Sigh*

Today is the big freaking day that I've been, more or less, wanting to come for most of my highschool days && now that it's here I just wanna walk the other way. I'm about to go outside to meet vampy, who's not only been tutoring me for the better half of the last three weeks but is also taking me to the test site. I think that's the only way I'm gonna be able to go in there cause if I was doing this alone I'd probably really walk away. Or be shaking with nerves. All of because of a pointless test that holds so much weight when in this twisted little world. Stupid SATs. SMH. I'm getting nauseous just thinking about it.