Good Night

So I'm about to go to bed but before I do I want to point out what I'm gonna have to spend the next week or so getting back. First thing being the extra money I woulda got if I had taken my sisters test for her. Even if I was completely torn on the subject && considering it for all the wrong reasons. THe second thing being my 2'oclock curfew. I've been pushed back from 1 to 12. I was aiming for 2 as a birthday present but that didn't turn out so well given the circumstances of how the day ended. I believe both are obtainable...just gotta find the best way to go about it.

My mom...

Just won't let this thing go...even though she keeps saying that she is going to. She keeps asking all these random questions about vampy that I just don't know the answer to. Every time she asks one of the questions the little man inside my head hits the escape button repeatedly. Too bad he doesn't know the damn think is broken. && poor little me doesn't have the money to fix it. Don't worry little guy I'm working on it. I just need some more time.

No More Vampy =[

As the sun goes down && I sit here about to embark on a search for episode 21 [lol] I'm starting to feel really depressed. Since I'm laying here in the dark && it feels like everything in here reminds me of vampy which makes it worse. I'm watching a show that only makes me think of how i wanna go back to times square && play the game with vampy. I look around my room and see how clean it is && I think of how we cleaned it. I look at the closet && funny as it sounds I think of him. && then of course there is my bed. That one's pretty self explanatory. =] There's about 9 hours && 10 minutes until the sun is suppose to rise. I might actually stay up for it depending on my mood.

Ugh

I'm getting pissed off...this freakin internet signal keeps goin up && down, up && down which makes looking && watchin my freakin show damn near impossible. I wanna get through the first season before the end of the day but the internet is making things really hard =[.

Update

Well I've got about 19 more hours to my mini lockdown && so far today I went to the store && walked my dog. Or rather vampy walked the dog && I tagged along lol. I'll probably be doing a lot of mini updates throughout the day since I have nothing else to do but wait for emails && search for freaking Naruto episodes since Vamps has turned me into a hardcore fiend. I'm in the process of tryna find episode 14. Not in english though....finding it in english is easy. I want it in japanese but for some reason all the ones in jap have spanish effin subtitles. *sigh* makes no sense. Anyways I'm gonna get back to that. Hopefully I find it.

So

Yesterday was probably by far the worst day ever && I can only blame myself for that. Why? Because if I had just told vampy "No, I'll meet you && then we can come by for cake." If I coulda just got him to understand that that's what I really wanted. To blow out my candles with him next to me. To open my present with him right there. Not having to worry about getting caught. Not having to watch everything said. Try to take the heat off the situation between my sister && us. Event though sitting here && thinking back I see that I only made that worse. Cause if I wasn't pissed off && listening to other people. Tryna do what they would do. I woulda either taken the moneu && called it a day. Or I woulda never agreed to let my mom talk to my sister about it until after vampy was gone. But since I refused to take my sisters test it led to the whole argument && on my birthday none the less. && that argument led to me not thinking straight. So we ended up getting caught. Yesterday is one birthday I will never forget but will try my damnedest to. I feel like I ruined my own birthday because the only thing I got that I actually wanted was the money. My mom ended up pissed at me. && I ended up hating my sister. All because I felt bad that vampy felt bad that he couldn't get me anything. Cause don't get me wrong....I'm not completely crazy. In the right state of mind I would have never agreed to let vampy sit in my room trying to go undetected on a day that's devoted to me when the house is filled with my family. But like I said I can only blame myself. Then to top it off vampy went && told my mom all these things I may or may not have said so now she's looking at him like he got some big ass balls, tryna tell her what's wrong with her family. && looking at me like I'm missing something for telling him && stupid for letting him think or talk about my family like that. Especially since right now he can't do anything for me && I can't take care of myself. I guess in my mind I was half thinking about that but more so about the love factor. So from there we went into another conversation about why I do the things I do && about family being all I got. Which led to me explaining the same shit all over again. I swear I think what pissed me off the most is that vampy always gets mad at me for not lying && that he said his main focus was so that I don't have stress at home. But by him doing the very thing he gets mad at me for it led to the one thing he says he's always trying to prevent. SMH. I pretty much wasted my birthday. && I feel really bad that my mom feels all her efforts were wasted. Damn I shoulda just left well enough alone. It's always worked before. I kinda wish I could just go back to Wednesday && go with my first instinct. Then none of this woulda happened.

This Sucks.

I feel like the biggest inconvenience right now. I feel like everyone around me is being forced in one way or another to acknowledge me. I've never hated this day so much or have I ever felt so freakin empty on this damn day. I don't wanna say that it's not fair but it's not. Solitude is pretty much all that makes up my little world. The real one, not the imaginary one. && on most days I'm fine. But today, today I'm just feeling like I should've just disappeared.

Happy Birthday 2 Me...

So I just finished cleaning my room. It only took three hours. I did more manual labor on what was suppose to be my pamper day than I did in my entire life. SMH. So so tired. Hopefully this day gets better cause right now I'm feeling a little alone even though I'm not. Nobody wants to be alone on their birthday. lol. I feel pathetic that I even care. I'm gonna go lay down for a while && wait for the actual celebration to begin.

Well

I just found out that my mom is going to be working on my birthday which for some reason actually made me feel sad. I don't really know how to explain it. I mean I'm over it now but still.

Damn Internet

The blasted thing hasn't really been working for three days now. It's being super choosy as to when it actually connects. Which sucks cause I had some research I really wanted to do tonight but I guess since it's not working I'll just study. Which is more than a good idea since my test in next week. Got one on Tuesday I think and the other on Saturday. I still gotta register for the freakin thing, but I can't do it till after my birthday which is three days away. SMH. Time is closing in on me && even though I'm not nervous I'm sure I'll be nervous the day of. Granted I'm actually awake enough to acknowledge the fact that this test means a lot, a lot.

So Sad

I miss him. Like really really miss him. Even though we got into it today the fact that he's going home instead of going to bed with me, doesn't kill me but it sure is ultra depressing =[

Alone Again

So I'm laying in my bed...alone again for the first time in three days && I have to admit...I am NOT loving this. I miss my vampy even though i had to hide him && shit, the past few days were really fun. Can't go into much detail there but yea. && then to add insult to injury my freakin period shows up putting an end to my effin love fest. SMH. Whoever invented these things was evil just pure evil. I'm nauseous && my head hurts. All I wanna do is set my alarm && get my few hours of sleep.

Pushing The Limits

Never in a million years would I have ever guessed that I would be sitting here doing things that are oh so wrong just to be next to vampy. I mean I've done some things that involved lying to my parents in order to stay with him but never anything like this. && now I sit here about to push the line a little further by trying to do it again. Yep again. Wow right. No?? Well probably not since anyone not in my room at this moment doesn't have any clue as to what I'm talking about but that's just to damn bad for them.

THIS IS SO WIERD!!!

There's a naked man in my room && nobody knows. LMAO, Shhhhhhh. =] Ok now I'm hungry so yea I'm gonna go make some food. That's right people Im actually gonna cook real food =D.

Umm

Not to start a rant but I just wanted to point out how retarded && unfair it is that iM eating cookies for breakfast. Why?? Because of the fat man. He uses all the pots so I can't make grits... or anything else I might want to make within in the next hour or so. Didn't buy bagels or ate all the bagels so I can't have that. Only thing in there that I can have is waffles or oatmeal. Both of which I don't want because they're sweet. I know I know. I'm eating cookies but I only had 3. Just enough to clear my head or fill my stomach rather long enough for me to think straight. I think I'm gonna go make some sausages && just see what happens from there.

Freakin Concussion

I hit my head like really effin hard to the point where I saw colors && do you wanna know what my dad, who mind you was only like four feet away, said??? Nothing. Nothing at all. Even though I screamed ow, turned around && semi screamed fuck. He just gets up and walks to the bathroom. I swear I wanted to kick him in the head. A part of me felt that was really inconsiderate but at the same time it was just a perfect example of how much we really acknowledge each other.

Burst My Bubble

Try...but you just can't. Not right now anyway. Today was one of the BEST days I've had in a while. Me and Vampy went upstate to hang out at the Mall. Wait. Correction. Five Malls. Five Malls all within walking distance of each other. Some right across the street from the other. I got to meet some of his friends who were different but cool. Which is one way you could actually describe Vampy. Even though I could take that tiny description && drag it on for oh say an hour or two....I won't do it =]. Today was so peaceful I didn't even wanna come back tonight. It's so quiet there. && when I say quiet I mean quiet. I walked into the mall and could actually hear footsteps. *smh* Still had fun though. Hopefully I get to have more days like this. Days where we don't fight. Days where we don't really get bored. Days where we just enjoy each others company && you can feel the love. Don't get me wrong we've had days like that before. We've had plenty actually. But it was just something about today, something about our little day trip that made me sit there && say damn. I never want this to end. I know I can't see the future or even sit here and try to plan it. I know that wishing for it ain't gonna do nothing but the last time I checked a dream slash fantasy never really hurt anyone. && that's how I feel sometimes when I'm with him. Like I'm dreaming. Being with him is like walking into another reality. A dream realm where I can forget about everything && everyone && just be myself. Even though there are those times when I switch back into the 16 year old school girl who can't get her words together long enough to form a sentence. Or can't stop smiling when he's around. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing...I just need to learn to relax sometimes.....but that's a whole nother story.

Talk Now Think Later

Since when is it ok for dudes to walk around looking like effin easter eggs. Last time I checked Easter was in March so if a big a*s bunny comes and tries to kidnap you, you only have yourself to blame. Wearing freaking pastel purple pants. So many bright colors SMH don't make NO kinda sense. NONE. Like what ever happen to the days when dudes thought certain colors were um off limits. It was bad enough when girls started wearing these weird a*s colors but now the dudes wanna get all festive && shit. And then to top it off instead of people saying "Yo dude na...take that off." Ya'll are encouraging this. DONT ENCOURAGE THEM. It might get worse. *sigh* Like I'm all for doing whatever the fuck you want so yea I'm not gonna sit there and be like you SHOULDN'T be wearing so && so just cause I find the fashion statement odd. But at the same time , just like how I said don't encourage them, I'm not gonna lie if someone was to be like how this look. Or was to point out someone else in this. I'm either gonna come straight out & be like no. Or I'm gonna just shake my head && keep my mouth shut. Which is something I should actually do more often since my mouth tends to go off without warning. I really need to start putting the safety on it. Only cause it gets me into a lot of fights with vampy. Like today for instance. He said something && in return I rambled off pure retardedness && it wasn't until three four minutes later that I realized I really shouldn't had. But of course by then the damage was done && he was mad while I sat there tryna clean up the mess my mouth had made. He says he understands that I speak before thinking so he'll try to add logic to the situation but even then my mouth would not shut it long enough for him to finish a sentence. Lucky for me he didn't stay mad long && we still managed to have a good day. I even got candy at the end =].

The First Shower is Always the Best

I've had this cut on my chest for weeks that since it never got any air refused to heal, so any shower I took I had to be careful not to hit it cause it would hurt slash burn like hell. But today was the first shower I've took with the cut fully scabbed and man did it feel good to splash around in the water freely.

Ugh

So tonight vampy, which is what i call my b.f, was teaching me something and I couldn't do it. Well I could but just not as fast as I was suppose to =[. I'm sitting here [not at this moment ofcourse] tryna get my hands to move faster so I won't be a complete failure. && yes if I don't get it right I'm lame cause apparently there are munckins that can get this right but not me. I've got work to do && I'm not just talking about the martial arts situation, I mean in all aspects of my life. Even though I said I was happy being 3.1 I want an effin upgrade. I wanna be XP or at least Windows 2000 dammit. And thats just my brain. There are other parts of my life that need to be upgraded so I'm gonna get some things together. Starting this summer so when I look at myself I'm proud or at least I feel accomplished with what's going on around me and with me.

Degrassi

Is getting so effin lame...the story lines don't suck but the writers do. I got a chance to watch one of the newer episodes last night and I was, once again, highly disappointed. && then to make things worse they played out the older *good* episodes by having an effin marathon every three days. I never thought I'd say this but I'm sick of seeing that damn show. I mean I thought it but never actually admitted it. Why? Because I was holding on to hope that the damn thing would get better but obviously I'm wasting my time cause the last two U.S seasons sucked.

Am I Too Attached??

I don't know what it is when it comes to me and my b.f but I feel like when it comes to simple things like a hug or a kiss, sometimes I'll do it && he acts like it was unnecessary. I'm not big on typical affection but when it comes to boyfriends, I would like to be able to feel comfortable doing whatever. Especially if you're always telling to be open and shit. But its hard if every time I do something that in my mind shows I love you or care, you look at me like I'm some loser chick on the street that walked up to you and kissed you. I'm not saying he doesn't do the same because he does it's just certain situations where he's kinda neutral towards me. Maybe I'm just thinking way to much into things because something I did tonight was strange but at the same time to me necessary because I started thinking "what if this is the last time I see him??" So yea. And its weird cause the things I do with him are things that I always dream about. Simple stuff. Like on what I think was Monday we went to Central Park and sat on a rock. Sounds lame but it was really nice. And before that he came with me to my looney bin appointment like he's done for the past two appointments. When I look at him, it's easy to see why I love him but what I can't clearly see is whether or not I'm becoming attached to him or rather too attached.

Random

I been up for about an hour now and I'm halfway dressed trying to figure out what I'm going to do today first. So far I've wasted an effin cd tryna burn some songs only to find out the damn thing don't work in my player. Then after that I stole some speakers and hooked em up to this thingee =]. They won't be missed Im sure. I need to get some type of structure in my little world sometime soon. Like this waking up and being able to do whatever only entertains for so long. I have to get classes and a job for the summer. Gotta do something "productive" while I wait for classes to start in September, granted I pass all the test coming up next month.

People Suck So Hard

I just somehow managed to make my mom so mad to point where she forbade me to leave the house. She even went as far as to "take" my money. And then somehow we went to talking about my new mood change. Apparently I'm evasive all of a sudden. She said a whole bunch of crap about being on my own && then brought up the incident of when I disappeared. I was wondering how long before she brought that up. Now I"m on a see saw waiting for the answer of which I can go out tomorrow. Even though I'm thinking about really just waking up tomorrow and leaving before she wakes up. Whether she tells me I can go or not.

Cinderella Story

Ok so anyone who knows me, like really knows me, knows that most of the time I really don't give two freaks about things but when it comes to love no matter what I go through the whole fantasy of love ALWAYS lives on. [[Even when I don't want it to]] And anyone whos seen or even heard of Cinderella knows that, that movie is like a symbol for fantasy love. Or at least to me it is. So when it comes to love, no I don't sit there and think that any of the crap that occurred in that movie will ever happen in reality but I do want a guy that actually puts it out there that he loves me && cares about whether or not I'm around. A guy that does sweet things, may they be old fashion or modern. Like a dude that acknowledges the fact that I make a difference to them or their life. Yes I'm aware that none of that goes on in that movie but did you really think I sit around waiting for the day where I lose my effin shoe and some guy I don't know a thing about searches all over for me just to return it and confess his love to me?? Seriously? Uh no...which is why I said to me it's a symbol. For some reason whenever I think of what I want when it comes to love I call it my Cinderella story. I think that, that's the only thing that keeps me from telling people to fuck off on a daily basis. That itty bitty piece of me that still believes in fairy tales.

Majors

I can't seem to stick to one effin major and i know that its not that big of a deal and that i have time but its buggin the hell out of me that I can't stick to one. For idk how many years Ive gone back and forth through potential majors and each time I pick one, sometimes two, I'm set for at least a week or two before I start thinking of other stuff. This time I lasted five months on one major but now im thinking Film again. Maybe in addition to my last standing choice of architecture or maybe as a replacement. I don't know but most of the time when i change my major i change my minor. Which means I usually end up changing my school choice. And yea I know I don't really have to pick my major until sophomore year but I want mines NOW dammit. *deep breath*
Thinking of alternative choices...um plans. Uh forgot what I was about to say...
There's no food here =[. && I want a beef patty...instead of these blasted chocolate cookies. But there's not a good beef patty for miles. Literally. Anyways like I was saying Im going to go look up some stuff && hopefully by tonight I've got a better idea of what I want.