Its Time

ok so last night or this morning rather i was on the phone and realized that i am really unfair to females. I tend to right off the bat decide that they are back stabbing bitches and i think that i should stop. I think it'd be good to learn how to socialize with people of the same sex since i seem to only know how to socialize with people of the opposite sex. Which isnt a bad thing but i dont think im gonna get to far in life if i cant even sit down and have a simple conversation with a lady. As of today August uh 23 im goiin to change that. This little experiment...so to speak...i think will help me.

The Post Go Up...

but my perserverance goes down. I swear it shouldn't be this way. I shouldnt have to sit around like this cryiin or feelin like i've been slighted. I repeat you do not have the right to jerk me around anymore...but then again i dont have the right to feel or atleast express my feeliings anymore either...but then again when have i EVER cared about whether or not i should b sayiin something. Uh how about always. Right well in that case...i guess as of now i dont give a shit cus i just said a whole lot and then some. Probably shouldn't have but im sick of holding that in. He should know when he's fuckiin up or fuckkiin with me. Why should he get any special damn treatment?? Exactly he shouldn't. He's messed with me and played with me for months and ive let him. But no more. Thinking about myself for once...still hurts though. DAMN.

Stronger

I wish i was stronger and had the nerves to do all the things that are going through my head. Today was judgement day for me and i guess i got hella lucky since my life doesn't have to change. I know J will be relieved but at the same time i don't know if i am...I mean with all the stuff we've been faced with in the last couple of days you'd think J would have been a little more helpful and not so damn selfish. But at the same time i have to know when to walk away from a situation thats no longer good for me. I still feel sick which means i have to go to the doctor...i really don't want to know what they come up with...im so scared. But i can't run forever right. Gotta stop some time....

So Shitty

So im feeling less than lovely right now...already this is turnin into the worst week of the summer...when it was suppose to be the best. *sigh* So far i've been called more names than i can count and cursed out more so called friends then i can remeber. I am now about to start all over and find new friends. Since I SERIOUSLY need some. The ones i have now suck balls big time and i see no freakin point in holding on to them. Except for maybe one or two. They all want one thing and I refuse to give that up but then again....uhh i think i need to have a little talk with a certain someone before i make any serious decisions. I'm trying to have a positive out look on this entire situation but yea you can't lie to myself when the facts are right in my face. No point in holding on to bull shiters and fuck faces. Anyway the week aint over but i highly doubt it will get ANY better.

This morning or afternoon rather i felt as if my life is crashing around me again...i feel like theres no point in takin another step forward since it hurts each time. I miss the days when i felt like things were getting better and i was making progress but now im starting to think that i will forever be stuck in the pain of my past. Reminded each time of the mistakes ive made and stupid things ive done. Everyday i wish I could go back and change things... fix things or just skip things all together. I dont even know what to feel anymore. Should i be disappointed since i never get what i want or mad that i seem to dig myself a deeper hole everytime i try to fix myself. I'm missin my numbness. But ever since you came back into my life i cant seem to get numb anymore. You bring out so much of my past since you was such a big part of it. I miss it sometimes and i kno u do to. But i'm starting to get attached to you and that i jus cant do. If i fall for you what will i be left with. Nothing right? So whats best for me to do? Walk away ofcourse and cut all ties. Simply put but i cant. We've both tried and you always come back. I had finally got used to not talkin to you and i had finally got on with my life and was happy with how things were goin. But now its like we never took a break or anything. Youre like my best friend but you cant play with me like this, you cant give me a inch and then pull it away. I like us as friends but i know it wont stay that way. But if it changes can i really keep my cool. Probably not.