Bad Thoughts

I lost my virginity [hymen] in one of the worst ways possible. Looking back on it & thinking of vamps I really wish I could have had that experience with someone I cared about & loved. Or at least even liked. I hate that the thought of something that should have been special makes me cry. We always joke & say that vamps was my first & at time I really wish he was, sometimes I even like to pretend that before him there was none. It's all so sad, it's not even one of those moments that I can site back & say "Don't be upset because at the time it's what you wanted" I didn't want it, hell I didn't even think I wanted it. The only experience I can blame myself for is drinking with a stranger. I have to give myself some blame, it would only be right. I wish my past could have been different but I just have to keep reminding myself not to think about it. Even though I am still looking for the one thing that seems to be the cause of my problems, I just have to keep myself moving forward. No matter how much I wish I could change. No matter how sad I am.

In Other News

I turn 17 weeks on Tuesday and I finally get to hear my munchkins heartbeat on Wednesday. =D...I can't create a smile big enough on the internet for that but lets just pretend that D is a pretty big smile. lol.

Conflabit

I want a job before Christmas dammit. I just don't understand why everywhere I go they're saying I need to be 18. For christ sakes I've graduated highschool, I'm in college & I'm damn sure more efficient then half the freaking people they have working for them so why the hell is it my age that you are going by. I want a fucking job....I can do the damn job....shouldn't that be enough. I can't sit through another call back where we go through the whole conversation all fucking hunky dory just to get to the part where they go "oh are you at least 18 years old?" *pause* "Um no" And then the guy on the other end goes "Oh ok well I'm sorry we only hire 18 and up but feel fucking free to apply again when you turn 18" Mind you he doesn't curse but he does say that line with a little too much joy for my liking. * sigh* People are too much these days with their little name tag & their little title. Does that title make you feel special buddy..huh?? oh I bet it does...I bet you just love turning away all the little teenagers...SMH. I am not giving up yet though...I am going to get me a freakin job even if I have to hold the freakin manager hostage...Ok not really but you know what I mean =]

Once Again

Why are turkey sandwiches so damn yummy =]. Yes I'm back on sandwiches but not just any old sandwich. Turkey sandwiches, since I entered my second trimester I have accepted mayonnaise back into my life, but only in moderation. I don't know why but that first bite tasted unbelievably good. I think I'm going to go make another one. Especially since there's only like four pieces of bread here & I learned my lesson last time, to never plan for a meal you really want cause chances are someone else is going to come along & eat all the food you needed. lol.

....

I need a nap but I have to go downstairs & do my freaking laundry before going to this blasted baby shower. I went driving this morning & parked for the first time. Ha ha. I can actually park & I'm not just saying that because I can. I'm saying it because my teacher told me so lol. I'm supposed to be downstairs at this moment half thru the rinse cycle or something not laying here without so much as a sock in the laundry bag. *sigh* I just feel so comfortable that I don't wanna move =[

Hate & Depression

You would think that someone who has so much fucking sympathy for everybody else would never want to see the one you love hurt. You do all the things to me that you sympathize to someone else over. & if that makes no sense then let me make it clearer. You feel sympathy for a girl who's in an abusive relationship, yet you put me in one. You feel bad for people who hate their lives so much that they just wish it would end but you make me do nothing to make my life better. I can't believe you would claim to love me. I've finally accepted my decision & even though we've made plans I don't know if I wanna go back. To make me change my mind now, you would really have to show me something.

SHIT SHIT

The one night that a good freaking movie finally comes on I'm not gonna be able to see =[. Saturday night at nine this movie comes on lifetime & instead laying in my bed & watching it, I'm going to be just leaving a freaking baby shower. Who has a baby shower at night anyway. Ugh. I'm hoping that since it's a premiere movie it'll come on again on sunday or something because I really wanna see this thing.

Got Milk?

Well, I don't =[. Shit I was about to eat some oreos with a nice cold glass of milk only to enter the fridge & pull out a damn near empty container. =/ I was disappointed...seriously man. lol.

Just Sharing

I am stuffing my munchkin full of all the stuff that's good for him =]. lol. I've got starch & protein & dairy & uh w.e you get out of green veggies that what we're getting. This is like the first full, well rounded meal I've had in a while, which is really bad I know. I actually had a full plate of food which is funny cause now I'm sitting here like "Am I really going to eat all of this?" & if I do then damn lol my oh my how things have changed. Other than that I think I have an appointment with the nutritionist tomorrow but I'm just going to reschedule I guess.